I think I’m cursed when it comes to meeting men.
Since completely breaking things off with the ex back in June, I’ve discovered that I am a magnet for the freaks and the crazies. I’m not entirely sure that the dramatic relocation across country is to blame. Here’s a run down of the men, by region, who have expressed their enigmatic interest in me:
San Diego Studs, Almost
1. Chemistry Monkey – CM is a super cute former Bostonian with a brain that is second-to-none. CM is brilliant, witty, successful, and so not single. We connected in-flight, post beverage service, on route to Baltimore (I was headed to Manchester for my interview). We laughed together, almost cried together, and definitely basked in this rare and riveting moment of flight flirtation. I was finally the girl in the movie, meeting the man of her dreams in the most unlikely of circumstances. But he was so not single. He admitted to having a girlfriend, somehow related to his boss and latina (oh crap), midway through our Southwest Seduction. I was horrified, but I acted cool. I thought to myself, “he doesn’t need to know that I was flirting.”
The flirtation didn’t stop there though. We exchanged contact info and met up for drinks back in San Diego. The chemistry wasn’t just molecular, it was tangible. I called it quits. I didn’t return his calls or emails…until I moved. He said he was S.I.N.G.L.E. and coming to Boston to visit his family (how cute). We planned to have lunch on Saturday and he was considering being my plus one at a costume-fun party in wonderland. He blew me off. He called me the day of and rambled on for five impossibly long minutes about how he couldn’t do this because of that…blah…blah…blah. I’m not sure I’m buying the single story.
2. Dead Beat Drunk – DBD is seriously studly, as sexy as they get. 6 feet of muscle-toned manliness. I remember the first time we met like it was actually something worth remembering, and yet I’d as soon forget it if I could. I strolled in to the fabulous Aero Club Bar on India Street in San Diego to visit my best-friend and former beer-maid of Aero, Angie. It was a sticky Sunday afternoon and the sweat from the bar patrons was intoxicating and simultaneously invigorating. Angie’s almost man of the moment was bragging about his recent smuggler smack down and I was starting to notice the very attractive athletic looking fellow in the Padre cap. I guess he noticed me too. As soon as we started talking, the stench of hard alcohol fermented with beer migrated from his mouth to my nose. He was piss drunk and I told him so. He asked for my number and I declined with a clause, “why don’t we meet up some time and talk when you’re sober.” He jumped for the chance and our foursome agreed to reconvene the following Sunday.
The next Sunday was a Sunday of no surprises and only slight disappointment. DBD showed up sober and then shot 1 tequila, beer 1, shot 2 tequila, beer 2, shot 3 something pink, beer 3, beer 4, beer 5…take one down and pass it around 99 bottles of beer on the wall. It was 10:30pm before my frustration bubbled to the surface like carbonation. I was promised dinner and sober conversation. I got 1 free beer and a headache to boot.
I’d like to say that that was the last chance, but I’m a glutton for punishment (and a nice bod) so there was one final shot (not of the alcohol variety). We met for drinks (go figure) at Aero and then we went to his place for movies. I didn’t realize I was still in high school and that movies meant making-out, but as soon we got back to his place he planted his sloppy, slobbery, beer-invested, extremely misdirected lips on mine. I backed away and tried to avoid another awfully awkward full-frontal attack of the mouth. No luck. I ran away as soon as I could (he passed out). He’s called several times since then. He’s even called in the past few months post move. I never answer. He never leaves a message. It’s almost perfect.
3. Going Away Guy – GAG is probably a really great guy but I never had the chance to find out. I met him two weeks prior to moving and we realized we liked each other the night of my going away party. He’s not a freak of any variety, but he is just a little odd. He appeared to be the guy that promised a future to get what he wanted in the present, but he never tried anything sketchy. He appeared to be the guy that was an artist in the romantic sense, but he promised me a copy of his novel and never sent it. He appeared to be the guy that was financially secure and aware of his destiny, and yet he spent the majority of our one date complaining about finances (ick by the way), and I bought drinks.
GAG is now history. There have been a few open-ended texts but this is definitely a closed sentence.
Mass Manomalies (read: man + anomaly = manomaly)
1. Cruise Ship Guy Gone Overboard – CSGGO sat next to me on Coyote Ugly Night at Johnny Bad’s, where I mistakenly ventured solo because I believed the sign on the door that read “Karaoke on Saturday” (there’s a lesson here). Surrounded by scantily-clad average looking women dancing on the bar with their booties in my face, I felt compelled to chat with CSGGO. He seemed really nice so we exchanged numbers.
He called me exactly three days later (how cute) and he went on and on about being on leave from his job aboard a cruise ship (not so cute). I was starting to think I had made a mistake when he finally asked me out on a date (whew!). Date suggestion 1: watch Charger/Patriot game. Okay I love the Chargers, this might work. Date suggestion 2: watch the Red Sox game. Hmmm, okay this could be alright. Date suggestion 3: watch college football games. Wait a minute. Every date idea involves sports, is this guy incapable of going on a date without sports involved? Basically, yes. We opted for #3 (he opted, I felt obligated not to opt out) and mid-date I started to check out the other guys at the bar who were actually looking at me and not the various games on TV. CSGGO didn’t seem to notice.
2. Instant Stalker – Much like a Chia Pet and the just add water phenomena, IS grew into a creation all his own in a matter of twenty-four hours. IS was chatting up a friend at Strange Brew (so far the best bar I’ve been to) when he made his way over to me. Instantly I knew that IS wasn’t my type, but I was starved for male attention and craving a little companionship. Turns out he was kind of cute and pretty funny. He asked for my number and I gave it, willingly.
Not even 10 minutes after his departure, IS sends me a barrage of text messages before I even have time to hit the reply button. We texted until the wee hours of the morn (he texted, I feel asleep). The next day I realized that I had dozed off in the midst of the throws of his texting passion, so I texted an apology. Big mistake. The flood gates were open yet again. I ignored as many texts as I could, but at around 7:30 mid-transit to a very important business dinner, I get the most bizarre and asinine text of my life. The conversation went as follows:
IS: Have you ever taken a chance and prayed that it worked? Have you ever been spontaneous and trusted in your instincts?
Me: I guess, why?
IS: I really felt a strong connection and I don’t think we should ignore it. Come to my house.
Me: (for the 3rd time in 12 hrs) I’ve got work.
IS: Well I’ll be up till one. Either way I want to see you or talk to you before I go to bed.
It is so over. Thankfully like the Chia Pet, IS’s vitality died out after full bloom never to be heard from again.
3. Costumed Crazy – Halloween is definitely a holiday on my calendar, so this year I made extra effort to create (read: buy the elements) a pretty elaborate costume. I became Alice in Wonderland with her trademark blue jumper, black mary-jane-esque pumps, white stockings, black headband, platinum blond wig, and white petticoat. I went so far as to do Alice poses at the party.
But what’s a costume party without a little decorated debauchery? CC approached me, dressed as a 50’s greaser a la Danny Zucco in Grease. The first five minutes were fantastic. He likes the Padres. Plus. He’s employed. Plus. He’s single. Plus plus. Unfortunately what followed was minus masked frivolity. His true colors started to show. He’s very recently single and so not over the ex. Negative. He’s drunk. Negative. He’s following me around like a leach. Negative. Ick he’s trying to kiss me in front of everyone at the party. Three times. Triple negative.
As if his unabashed behavior wasn’t reason enough to be turned off, I found out the next day that minus my presence he tried to plus with Amanda (a friend). He even tried to kiss her repeatedly, and she’s engaged…and vocal about it.
4. Speechless Gym-Rat – To be perfectly honest, I have the hugest crush on SGR. We see each other every day at Golds and there’s always a back and forth. He looks my way, I look his, he looks away, I look away. This has been happening for weeks! It’s driving me crazy. He’s just so cute and he appears so nice. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the nerve to go and say hi. Here’s to hoping he’s slightly normal!
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Angela
