Meeting the parents is a huge step in the maturation process of a relationship. A bad encounter could be a deal breaker, or at the very least cause unnecessary strife in an otherwise healthy relationship. Having been down this road with good and bad outcomes, I feel qualified to suggest some best practices surrounding this significant relationship milestone.

Timing

My informal research shows that most people would rather get this out of the way relatively early in the relationship, or put it off for as long as possible.

Both approaches are flawed.

If you introduce (or meet) the parents too soon you risk jeopardizing the foundation of the relationship. Relationships are tricky, and regardless of chemistry or whether or not it just feels right, a relationship can’t survive the test of time unless the foundation is properly laid. In relation to meeting the parents, you need to be 100% certain that the person you’re with will have your back during the first encounter (or vice versa), and that kind of trust is developed over time. Your significant other needs to grasp the potential awkwardness of the situation, and be able to comfort you if things go awry. There needs to be a common understanding that the odd man (or woman) out won’t be hung out to dry. Also, a newbie relationship can’t withstand the pressure or tension that could arise from the meeting. If the parents find fault, the child could question his/her original motivations for being in the relationship. Plus, the parents will be hard pressed to search for faults if they can sense that their son or daughter is crazy (in a healthy way) about the person their with.

As for the opposite scenario, waiting too long can be just as detrimental. Putting off the inevitable (if the relationship is serious then it is inevitable) could breed insecurity and crack the foundation of the relationship. The parents will usually feel slighted (if they know about the relationship, if they don’t then that is a huge red flag) or maligned if they aren’t given the opportunity to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend. They might question your motives for not arranging a meeting sooner (ie. you’re not serious about the relationship, there must be something wrong with the girl/guy, or you’re ashamed of them (all bad)), and worst of all they might judge your significant other negatively because of the delay. Add to this the emotional disturbance of one party wanting the meeting while the other doesn’t and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster.

In my experiences it takes 4 – 6 months to create the ideal situation for a proper parental introduction. If you’re not ready after 6 months, it might be time to explore other options.

Setting

Where the first meeting takes place is very important. The nature of the arrangement is such that one person will always be at a disadvantage. The parents and their respective child might feel slightly awkward, but the person in the most uncomfortable situation is the significant other (I would never advocate a dual parent first meeting, too many personalities at the table could create an indecipherable cacophony of voices and opinions).

Arranging a meeting that creates as much equality and comfortability as possible is tantamount. Avoid private dinners, noisy bars, family functions (weddings, funerals, picnics etc), or any other scenario that is difficult to extricate yourself from if things get weird.

Keep it short and sweet and around an hour. This is just an introduction. There will be a handful of opportunities to delve deeper later, but the objective here is to get the family’s initial buy-in. All that is required is a brief lunch or dinner at a casual restaurant with booths or tables not too clustered together. I would let the parents choose the restaurant, but give them a few pre-selected restaurants to choose from that offer an ambiance that is convenient for socializing (romantic settings don’t work).

Etiquette

Here are some pretty basic rules to make sure everything goes smoothly:

1. If you’re introducing your boyfriend/girlfriend to your parents, then you should be the first to offer to pick up the check. Be willing to acquiesce, however, if the parents insist.
2. Sit next to your boyfriend/girlfriend and make them feel as comfortable as possible. Hold their hand under the table. Pat their leg gently. Show affection when it’s appropriate, but keep kissing to a minimum.
3. Don’t talk about politics or religion at the first meeting.
4. Avoid making fun of your boyfriend/girlfriend in front of the parents. Even if you’re joking it’s just a bad idea.
5. Don’t let your parents disrespect your boyfriend/girlfriend. Little jabs about lifestyle choices or discussions around exes are disrespectful and set the precedent for future gatherings.
6. Don’t talk about marriage or kids, and don’t let your parents talk about those subjects either.
7. If you’re the one being introduced to the parents, make sure you know enough about their back story to bring up interesting topics for discussion without offending their tastes or previous missteps (ie. ex-husbands, children from a different marriage).
8. Accidental faux pas should not be dwelled upon. Take a bathroom break. Move on the next subject. Do something to quickly shift the focus.
9. Create an out clause with your significant other prior to the meet up. If you’re uncomfortable you need a safe way to express your discomfort. Establish a code – a verbal or non-verbal cue that can be used in extreme situations.

I’m barely skimming the surface with these best practices, but the most important thing is to keep it simple and try to be yourself.

Got a valuable tip or lesson to share?

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