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I originally wrote this post on 05/14/06 when I was actively blogging inside of Myspace. I think the post really speaks to the struggles I face on a daily basis, and the constant challenge I have finding a balance between good and evil.

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I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that I believe in God and Jesus, thus I consider myself a Christian through faith. But as soon as I use the heavy label “Christian,” criticism gravitates my way. Why? Because like many other single women with similar beliefs, I live what most “Christians” consider a wordly lifestyle: I openly engage in sexual relationships without commitment, let alone a ring on my finger.

It seems that even though every one is prone to sinful behavior, society in general believes that it is reprehensible for someone who proclaims to be religious to engage in behaviors that are not condoned by their respective faiths.

My plight began at the young age of 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend and was subsequently introduced to the seductive and sexy mileu of the secular. Previously a naive and sheltered young Christian girl (I say girl because relatively speaking my sagiousity of worldy matters was rather immature and under developed), my eyes were opened very wide and suddenly I was participating in activities that I had formerly considered grossly devious and lascivious. Fast forward seven years to the present and I’m still caught in the never-ending struggle between being a good Christian woman and enjoying the libidinousness of my body’s seemingly natural cravings.

Many may question my beliefs because of my behavior, but without a doubt I can say that I know the grace that comes from the forgiveness of the Lord. I’ve been down the wrong path, almost to the point of utter oblivion and complete despair. I was at my worst and that’s when I really found my faith…for myself…without influence or pressure from others. And even though I have seen the light in much the same way that Saul did, I still lead a life that some deem to be degrading to my faith and my body. It has taken me years to disassociate guilt from sex, and now that I finally have, I refuse to believe that my one weakness (that at least I have the courage to acknowledge) distracts from the beauty that I have within. Those who really know me have never questioned my sustaining love for the Lord and the goodness and love that I tend to give unconditionally.

I think my tattoo (a cross on my back) stands for everything that is me: sexy, sincere, confident, convicted, and never willing to forget that bleak time in my life without the love of the Lord.


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  • Hi Jenn!

    As a first contact with your blog, the sincerity and openness of your post really caught on me.

    Keep up with the good posts and this constant work of finding the true balance between "good" and "evil". :)

    Warm regards,
    Leo
  • Jenn
    @Ryan I acknowledge the veracity of some of your points, but it's obvious to me that we have led completely different lives. Perhaps had I remained sheltered for a longer period of time and married young, I would feel differently, but my sexuality is very much a part of who I am as an adult female.

    I almost married a man who was saving himself for marriage. I was so inspired by my faith at the time that I felt that I could forgo those temptations. It was 3 months before our wedding day when the real reasons behind our sexless relationship became obvious enough for me to call everything off. I care for the guy so I won't share those reasons here, but part of the problem was that he had been conditioned since childhood to think of sex as dirty. Anyhow long story short, I went down a different path and it just wasn't me. I have to be true to myself, because I refuse to find myself settling for an unsatisfying marriage (trust me I meet far too many men who are unhappily married).
  • Ryan
    @Jenn :: But where does the boundary lay then Jenn if sex isn't to be confined to marriage?

    Sex was designed by God to be enjoyable and wonderful, but to be limited to the confines of marriage to keep the family unit pure.

    And if God designed it then He has rules about it's use, and if we decide to go out on our own then there will likely be some bad consequences (please read Galatians 6:7 KJV). So if we do decide to disregard God in this area then what boundaries are we going to use?

    I don't want to have to mention any specifics, Jenn (I wouldn't want the wrong type of crowd landing here from Google!), but you will no doubt agree that if there are no absolute boundaries in this area we can get into some pretty disgusting stuff!

    I care for you, and God does more so, and I know I'm not holier than thou or perfect in any way (I'm right up there with Paul in the "chiefest of sinners" zone), but girl please please please refrain from fornication (1 Thessalonians 4:3 KJV). I know, it's difficult, but it's God's will for our life.



    @LenaB :: an omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent God wouldn't really be *all that* if He couldn't preserve His Word throughout time, huh? Thankfully my God does (Psalm 12:6-7 KJV)... otherwise, if He can't, He's a liar - and then we'd have some real problems!!
  • Jenn
    @Lena it's nice to have a smart chic understand where I'm coming from. It's a common female plight and finding the balance is a journey, not just something you're born with.
  • Hmm, I'm not a Christian. So, have at it! ;)
  • Jenn
    @cooleyhigh It's a pretty lofty and idealistic notion to walk around and pretend that the judgment of others carries no weight. The fact that I'm human is what makes this something interesting to blog about. \

    Peoples' opinions do matter. Why? One example - blogging about sex could affect any professional decisions I make in the future. Let's get real. If I want to socialize and interact with family and friends, their perception of me is going to influence the entire relationship. I seriously doubt that anyone can truly separate how they feel about something from how society/friends etc view that same something.

    You kind of hit a nerve, because I have found peace with who I am and yet you seem to find fault that there was ever even an issue.
  • @cooleyhigh: Just FYI - Even if you believe that the Bible is truly God's words, you must acknowledge that it was delivered through a human filter. And then translated a lot. And then edited so much that entire books were removed (Apocrypha). A literal interpretation of the Bible is not applicable to life, which you would know if you've ever seriously studied the Bible.

    @Jenn: I'm glad that you've found the balance between faith and sexuality. There is a lot of guilt and societal pressure associated with secularity vs. living a "pure" life. You show strength and fortitude to have broken out of that mindset without losing your religion or your sense of self.
  • And your opening sentence is rather curious:

    "I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that I believe in God and Jesus, thus I consider myself a Christian through faith."

    I hope Christ Jesus doesn't preface your introduction before the Heavenly Father like that... "I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that, yes, Almighty, I know this woman Jenn and love her."

    Geez. Be firm in that faith you say you have. "Without fear of ridicule?" Who cares Tom, Dick or Harry thinks, Jenn? There is absolutely no one 'perfect' in society's eyes, so stop looking over your shoulder. Yes, they are watching, but, um, how much do they matter to your personal happiness?
  • I don't get it... why do people always say 'the world is judging me!' Dude, you say you're a Christian, so that must mean you own a Holy Bible.

    If you've read it, it ain't man's commentary on your lifestyle that matters, it's GOD's. And no one can tell you how GOD will deal with an individual...

    But, um, I suppose His Holy Words in the Holy Bible are meant to be applied to a Christian's life, no? What else is it for? Pretty poetry and scary parables?

    Why are you looking beyond GOD for approval and/or disapproval? Who cares what your friends think about your relationship with GOD? You think they can testify on your behalf or something before the LORD? It's between you and HIM.

    Just be real about it, huh? Stop playing around. You like to have sex and you don't care if you're doing it while you're married or not. You also say you love the LORD and call yourself a Christian. OK. So what does the Holy Bible say about sexual immorality and state about a person's body? And you don't have to look too hard, Paul wrote a whole lot about it.

    And I'm not condemning or judging you either, friend. None of us are perfect. I'm just saying stop beating around the bush. You really think that guilt you were battling came from what other people may think about your lifestyle...?

    Whatever.
  • I agree with the others. It must be healthy drop the guilt over sex. I think many of the repressive aspects of modern faiths are a historical aberration. Over-indulging in sex may well throw up problems (I means the obvious practical ones), but I don't see why sex in itself should mean in any way be bad. Much better to enjoy your body guilt-free and then come back to the middle; sex in itself won't being happiness either. There is a middle way somewhere. (Sorry if I am not making much sense.)
  • rowsdower
    didn't the lord invent sex? why would he/she/it invent it and then say it's bad? a perfect creator can never create something imperfect and hence you should enjoy sex as much as you want safe in the knowledge that the lord is pleased that you are using the gifts he/she/it has given you to their fullest.

    to deny sex or feel bad about it is to deny or feel bad about something given to you by god and rejecting god's gifts is rejecting god.
  • icegirl200
    <3
  • icegirl200
    Hey nice blog I like it. Just be your self! come vist my blog nobody has ever looked at it :(
  • Ishan
    very nice...
  • Sexuality needs to be spared from the intruding Faith. or if you are a devout Christian the other way round. It is amazing that you discovered that for yourself. Even more so, that you advocate it. Cheers
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