A glass of Merlot takes it hold…

If I’m being as honest as humanly possible, I would have to admit that I miss the erotic touch from a man that I physically and emotionally crave, or the comfort of coming home to someone who’s as wrapped up in my well-being as I am. Those are things that even the independent woman in me wants, but I’ve been single for so long now that I can’t remember if those things are worth the compromise and sacrifice that a relationship takes.

Here’s my romantic history in brief. From high school up through the months after graduating college, I was a serial serious relationship gal, with the most supreme of relationships resulting in an engagement that never came to fruition. After a few bitter and judgmental years I found Dave. I loved Dave but Dave did not love me back – he barely appreciated me and we stopped having regular sex – so I cheated because I desperately wanted to be desired. The cheating broke me so I ended it, though that turned out to be a strange and sad experience, because in the process I learned that I didn’t want to lose him, but that he was fine with losing me. The whole ordeal again soured me on relationships.

Two years post Dave, I feel like I’ve reached a state of personal relationship zen. Neither am I in search of or opposed to a relationship, I just am. I’m doing my own thing, and I desperately want that to be a professional win for me.

I don’t know why, but every time I’ve been serious about a man I’ve let that relationship dictate way too much about my life. Maybe it’s that realization or some other fucked up flaw, but each man that I’ve become emotionally connected to since Dave has been unavailable in more ways than one.

To say that I wasn’t slightly comforted by these men and their respective off-limits vibe would be a lie. I was extremely conscious of the fact that I could never fully have the type of life-draining relationship with these men that I’ve had in the past. It just wasn’t physically possible. Did I use them for affection or attention? I think it was a mutually beneficial pity party that always ended badly for both parties. One person always begins to care more, and that’s when trouble starts to brew.

So here again I find myself on a Saturday night with no love interest and really no perspectives on the horizon. The peace I have is derived from knowing that I’m not waiting for any calls or trying to decipher the subtext that is man’s way of expressing his interest, I am just me being me.

Two glasses of the previously mentioned Merlot, Jon Foreman’s, The Cure for Pain, is playing, and the air is thick with reflection and solidarity…”So blood is fire pulsing through our veins. We’re either writers or fools behind the reigns. I’ve spent ten years trying to sing it all way, but the water keeps on falling from my tries.”

I just want something that works, but society wants me to settle down, get married, and have babies. Heck at this point I think my parents would gladly settle for a bastard grandchild in lieu of the nothingness that they’ve come to expect. Extended family seem to think it appropriate to always ask about a significant other. There never is one to report.

“It’s not as if New York City burned down to the ground when you drove away…are we breaking up? Did my heart break enough this time?” – Rilo Kiley, Breakin’ Up

It feels good to be free. Unavailable men, ex-fiances, abusers and controllers, they’ve all been eradicated from my life, and this independent woman wants to rejoice in that fact. But why am I still craving the carnivorous lust of a man who can’t stand to be in the same room with me without ripping off my clothes. Sexual frustration? Maybe. Human disposition playing a cruel joke on yours truly? More likely. Quixotic social preconditions influencing my thinking? That sounds right.

Let’s just say I’m one narcissistic creative junkie (remember the wine and music quotes?) who needs an outlet. I’ve chosen writing to be that outlet. Someday I’ll choose love.

Bottle of Merlot finit.

*Photo courtesy of Greg_e on Flickr

I absolutely love Katy Perry’s new song, I Kissed a Girl. The lyrics don’t necessarily speak to me on an intellectual or emotional level, but I enjoy the sound of her voice, the kitchy quality of the song, and the upbeat tempo. What interests me more, however, are the inferences one can draw from the song as related to a shift in social mores. Let’s explore the women kissing women concept a bit more.

Why do we do it?

Maybe I grew up in a time of sexual experimentation, possibly a product of the sexual revolution, but ever since college I’ve been conscious of a growing trendy — women kissing other women. In case you’re wondering, I’ve been an active participant in this fad that doesn’t seem to be losing style points as the years go by. From what I know about women, men, and human nature, I’m fairly certain I can speak to why all of us straight chicas are so willing to liplock with each other.

1. Just for the fun of it. The equation usually consists of a few elements mixing together — alcohol + peer pressure + appearance = impromptu female make-out sessions. It’s really pretty harmless fun. Women are very conscious oh how they’re perceived. If they want to be perceived as sexy, fun, and adventurous they will “flirt” with their girlfriends for social acceptance and appearance.
2. Trying to impress (turn-on) a man. To continue on the first reason, if women are trying to attract male attention in a social setting, or just trying to excite their boyfriend, they will bank on the fact that 99% of straight men are incredibly aroused by the thought of two (or more) women kissing. The difference between a man and a woman, however, is that a man is more sexually motivated to turn the flirtatious kissing into something more tangible. For women it’s a game of how far they can vacillate between the indecipherable boundaries of sexual innuendo and actual sex. For men it’s more like a conquest – Can I get them to kiss? Can I get them to do more than kiss? The fantasy evolves for men.
3. Genuine curiosity. Somewhere between bi-sexual and sexually experimental for appearances sake, there exists a group of women who are intrigued by the female entity. It’s a genuine curiosity that may or may not be explored. I’m pretty sure I fall into this category, so I’ll speak in the first person. Certain women exude a sexuality that is tangible. So while I would never ogle an incredibly attractive women, I can be drawn in by a woman’s aura – the way she carries herself, the way she speaks, they way she touches herself – these can all be very sensual and erotic cues that peak my interest. The difference between me and women who do it just for fun, is that I am skirting the line of bi-sexuality with a genuine (albeit temporal) attraction to women,  even though I know I’m straight.

Of course there are many other factors that contribute to the phenomena, but most straight women can identify with one or more of the reasons I’ve listed.

Is it socially acceptable?

Fact, while women kissing women is becoming more prevalent, it’s only socially acceptable in pockets of society. Part of the appeal is that it is still taboo, and our parents will hate us for doing it. Obviously the most active participants in the trend are the high school and college kids of today. But what happens as the trend ages and adults, like myself, become parents? Will it always be taboo? Once the trend becomes commonplace, will the cool kids find something more rebellious to do? Will songs like I Kissed Girl result in more girls kissing girls? These are all questions that I don’t think can be answered right now. It seems possible that the females doing it just for fun, or to impress a man, may lose interest when the act becomes a good girl norm. I doubt, however, women with a general curiosity will ever change; they might be swayed to act more readily on curiosities during a fad, but those secret thoughts and desires won’t ever dissipate.

What are your thoughts?

I’m absolutely positive that everyone can identify with this trend as either an observer or participant, so what are your thoughts? What’s happening? Why is it happening? Will the trend change over time? What are your own personal experiences?

The point is that I am no stranger to troubled times. I’ve survived in stages. I’ve gone through various stages to cope: rebounds, bitterness, unavailability, altered reality, depression, religion, and even solipsism. And although I’ve become a master at hastily moving on, I’ve failed miserably at the coping part.

What I do, in lieu of coping, is put on a false front of appearing to be okay. I try so hard, for appearances sake, to be myself that I forget to deal with the pain appropriately. So even though I move on quickly, I never quite let go of the hurt, which continues to haunt me until it catches up to me.

Now that I’m a little older and hopefully wiser, I’m still struggling with how to cope with betrayal. Betrayal gets me every time. I’m a trusting person. I want to believe that there is good in everyone. I want to believe that people aren’t sick enough to make a mockery out of me for no reason other than the fun of it — that just seems too cruel to fathom. Betrayal still happens despite my efforts to believe otherwise, and when it does I always reflect on the how and the why. Here are the trends I’ve noticed.

Why Betrayal Happens

In my experiences there really isn’t one reason why someone chooses to betray another, but the reasons can usually be broken down to one core idea — an individual stands to gain from the betrayal. Whether the gain is proof of power, improvement in social status, financial gain, personal satisfaction, avoiding exposure/cover-up of other lies, or anything else, betrayal happens because one person is put in a situation where choosing to sacrifice a level of trust with another person becomes less important than doing something that they can profit by.

How Betrayal Happens

Secrets and lies. Those who choose to be betrayers secretly sign their name to the book of liars. Whether the betrayal is well planned, or a circumstance of other shady behaviors, betrayal cannot exist without secrets and lies that beget other secrets and lies. More often than not the one who is being betrayed will see hints of what is happening, and their trust in the friend and secret betrayer is put into question. If you’ve ever been confronted with variations of the truth from multiple parties, you can rest assured that someone or some group of people are in the process of betraying you. If you’re anything like me, however, you choose to believe the lies, and the lies that are concocted to cover the other lies, because it’s easier than confronting the truth.

How to Cope

So what do you do when you’ve discovered that people you’ve trusted have betrayed you? How do you go about healing properly? How do you avoid becoming one of those bitter and angry people that doesn’t trust anyone? How do you go about forgiving? As I said above, betrayal always gets me. I try so hard to recover, so hard to forgive, so hard to avoid becoming cynical, but then another person comes along and betrays my trust yet again; I’m left feeling even more foolish than the last time and finding it a cliff to climb to reach the pinnacle of forgiveness. What’s the right answer?

Men won’t turn down a sure thing. If a guy thinks he can bed you, he’s going to try. He’s not going to think about the consequences, or worry about how you feel, he’s simply going to sucker you into bed with the promise of a nice long massage and nothing else. Everything else is intended.

Men want to feel sexy. They almost need this. I’ve blogged about it before, but men do need the reassurance that they’re attractive, well-endowed, or good in bed. If you don’t pander to their ego, they’ll reaffirm these ideas verbally whether you agree or not, or they’ll find someone else who actually does make them feel sexy. Hopefully you won’t have to do the ego-pander dance.

Men will flirt with a skirt. It really doesn’t matter if the man is married, engaged, dating, or single. Nor does it matter if the women is overly attractive. Men enjoy flirting with women, and they’re going to do it repeatedly, especially if said woman is in the service business (waitress, bartender, maid (that’s more of a fantasy thing)). It definitely goes back to the ever powerful male ego.

Men acclimate to the vibe set by their male peers, and the dominant male rules the roost. A group of men in the same place always has a leader, whether the group is aware of it or not. The leader is the man they all secretly strive to be (or the one they think gets laid the most, if it’s a fraternity group), and they’ll subconsciously emulate this man’s behavior. Ever wonder why guys get so rowdy (or retarded) when they’re together? They’re feeding off the vibe and energy that is created by the dominate male.

UPDATE

Here’s an obvious one I’m not sure why I forgot:

Men crave the challenge and the chase. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to capture a man’s attention by making myself appear to be completely uninterested or unavailable. Offer a man a carrot and he’ll decline, but tell him he can’t have that same carrot, and all of sudden he can’t get vegetables off his mind.

This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, but I think you’ve done more justice to the subject matter than I could ever have. What you’re blessed with is an outsider perspective, and what I’m cursed with is knowing that every single word you right is true. I am very much a part of the conference circuit, and men love the attention of a pretty girl. Exhibitors result to getting “booth” babes to attract attention…wtf? When did a conference become the type of venue where Hooters wasn’t the after hours event but the in-conference feature?

To the question of marriage, I too have lost all faith in the idea of monogamy. My parents, who are monogamous, represent an ideal that seems pretty much unattainable. Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s commitment to the church, to his willingness to accept his flaws and not give in to his lust, or maybe it’s because my parents are simple folks and the glitz and glamor of the spotlight has never burned in their loins.

I’ve reread this comment several times, and having just been to Hooters (I do kind of like the place), and a number of conferences, I have found that exhibition halls tend to purposely mashup business material with in-your-face sexual assaults. Combine this with the social nature of events and the expectation of free drinks, and you end up with a breeding ground for infidelity. It’s almost like one big Frat party where the costs are always expensed to someone else.

Think about this. When you go to Hooters what are your expectations? You expect to see gratuitous amounts of cleavage and an abundance of butt checks. Given that the setting was purposely created to provide you with sexual stimuli, you are essentially encouraged to stare, drool, and act like a brutish and neolithic man. You’re expected to consume the T&A. It’s just the nature of the business.

Now think about conferences for a moment. What are your expectations? You expect to network, you expect to learn, and more and more you’re expected to party. Social mixers are now very much integrated with the actual event, but to make matters even more sexually stimulating, you’re also expected to check out the exhibition hall, where savvy exhibitors use pay-per-hour females to dress scantily clad (much like Hooters a girl) and lure you over to their booth.

My point is that Hooters and conferences have become socially acceptable places to stare, gawk, and flirt with disaster. The more socially acceptable sexual flaunting becomes, the more difficult it will be to avoid temptation. Does monogamy have a fighting chance against our evolving sexual interests?

I’m here to help!

This post is for all the men out there who are searching for that perfect Valentine’s Day gift or activity. Okay let’s be honest. This post is really for men who can’t think beyond the box of the chocolates, but would rather not piss off their special lady.

Good (read – sufficient enough to avoid any fights or create discontent)

1. Dinner reservations – most guys are savvy enough to know that trying to eat out on Vday is impossible without a reservation. Don’t wait till Wednesday. Check out restaurant reviews on Yelp (if you’re a San Diego resident you can email me for ideas) and make that reservation tonight. You’ll get added bonus points for picking something not quintessentially associated with Valentine’s Day (that’s too easy), but instead associated with a key moment in the relationship. Where were you when you two first kissed or decided to be exclusive? Women like to know that their man has an emotional heartbeat. Help her to find your sensitivity pulse by taking the initiative to arrange dinner plans that are reminiscent of a great memory.
2. Send flowers – this is easy and obvious, but it’s still better than a box of chocolates. Since Vday is a Thursday, have the flowers sent to her work. This only works if the relationship is serious, though, because some women (including moi) don’t want my coworkers to know about my personal relationships too soon; it makes me feel exposed, especially since everyone always oohs and aahs over the flowers.
3. Make your own basket – baskets with chocolates, candles, and beauty products are a dime a dozen, but with a little more work you can create your own personalized basket for her. Start by going to Michael’s and picking up a basket, then pick up a few of her favorite products whether they be chocolate (try upscale places like Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory for fun and tasty alternatives to traditional boxed chocolates), bath and body (The Body Shop), or home decor items (Illuminations), finally dress up the basket with tissue paper (for height), decorative ribbon, and a nice card.

Great (read – a little more effort is always appreciated)

1. Take her shopping (before dinner) – find out her favorite store, pick her up from work on Vday and take her there. Instruct her to select any outfit she would like to wear to dinner (or after), and foot the bill. Of course this activity is all about making her feel sexy and desirable, so if you think your capable of saying something to destroy this mood, this is not an option for you. Major bonus points if you let her dress you for the evening too.
2. Pamper her vanity – (disclaimer: this works best on weekends) if your woman likes to feel glamorous make arrangements for her to get her makeup done (you can call the MAC counter of any Nordies and set this up yourself – it’s free if you buy product), her hair styled (she probably has the number to her stylist in her planner), and her nails done. She’ll feel beautiful, confident, and appreciated.
3. Take her wine tasting – This is such a great alternative to the dinner reservation staple, because it can be extremely romantic if done right. If you happen to be in San Diego, Temecula Valley’s wine country is pretty phenomenal. Wine tasting is affordable, intimate, cultural, fun, and social. If you’ve got the money to spend, you might want to rent a limo or reserve a room. Bonus points if you plan ahead and bring a variety of grapes, cheese, and crackers to ensure proper sustenance.

Fabulous (read – a whole lot of effort but satisfaction guaranteed)

1. Combine 1 idea from the Great category with 1 idea from the Good category. For example, start the day off by sending her flowers to her job, and include a personalized card that let’s her know you’ll be escorting her off for a fabulous night of wine tasting and conversation.
2. Schedule a couple’s spa session – This may seem a little on the cheesy side, but most women (despite what you’ve seen on TV) rarely pamper themselves, and have probably never experienced a couple’s message. Odds are that she’ll be thrilled to create new memories with you. For locating a spa near you, you can use Yelp or get recommendations from her female friends.
3. Turn your bedroom into a Valentine’s Day wonderland – This requires the most work because in order to achieve the full effect you’ll need to purchase new sheets (reds, whites, pinks (pastels are great)), window coverings, a myriad of candles (with complimenting scents), roses or rose petals (for the rose pedals on the bed effect), and you’ll need to get a female to help you put everything together. The ambiance should be romantic and ethereal, which means that red everywhere is just not going to accomplish the right effect.

As I said before, I’m here to help so you can always email me if you need ideas that are more specific to your woman. Some easy alternatives to the options above include a comedy show, a burlesque show, a hotel reservation, or dinner cruise.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Timing

My informal research shows that most people would rather get this out of the way relatively early in the relationship, or put it off for as long as possible.

Both approaches are flawed.

If you introduce (or meet) the parents too soon you risk jeopardizing the foundation of the relationship. Relationships are tricky, and regardless of chemistry or whether or not it just feels right, a relationship can’t survive the test of time unless the foundation is properly laid. In relation to meeting the parents, you need to be 100% certain that the person you’re with will have your back during the first encounter (or vice versa), and that kind of trust is developed over time. Your significant other needs to grasp the potential awkwardness of the situation, and be able to comfort you if things go awry. There needs to be a common understanding that the odd man (or woman) out won’t be hung out to dry. Also, a newbie relationship can’t withstand the pressure or tension that could arise from the meeting. If the parents find fault, the child could question his/her original motivations for being in the relationship. Plus, the parents will be hard pressed to search for faults if they can sense that their son or daughter is crazy (in a healthy way) about the person their with.

As for the opposite scenario, waiting too long can be just as detrimental. Putting off the inevitable (if the relationship is serious then it is inevitable) could breed insecurity and crack the foundation of the relationship. The parents will usually feel slighted (if they know about the relationship, if they don’t then that is a huge red flag) or maligned if they aren’t given the opportunity to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend. They might question your motives for not arranging a meeting sooner (ie. you’re not serious about the relationship, there must be something wrong with the girl/guy, or you’re ashamed of them (all bad)), and worst of all they might judge your significant other negatively because of the delay. Add to this the emotional disturbance of one party wanting the meeting while the other doesn’t and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster.

In my experiences it takes 4 – 6 months to create the ideal situation for a proper parental introduction. If you’re not ready after 6 months, it might be time to explore other options.

Setting

Where the first meeting takes place is very important. The nature of the arrangement is such that one person will always be at a disadvantage. The parents and their respective child might feel slightly awkward, but the person in the most uncomfortable situation is the significant other (I would never advocate a dual parent first meeting, too many personalities at the table could create an indecipherable cacophony of voices and opinions).

Arranging a meeting that creates as much equality and comfortability as possible is tantamount. Avoid private dinners, noisy bars, family functions (weddings, funerals, picnics etc), or any other scenario that is difficult to extricate yourself from if things get weird.

Keep it short and sweet and around an hour. This is just an introduction. There will be a handful of opportunities to delve deeper later, but the objective here is to get the family’s initial buy-in. All that is required is a brief lunch or dinner at a casual restaurant with booths or tables not too clustered together. I would let the parents choose the restaurant, but give them a few pre-selected restaurants to choose from that offer an ambiance that is convenient for socializing (romantic settings don’t work).

Etiquette

Here are some pretty basic rules to make sure everything goes smoothly:

1. If you’re introducing your boyfriend/girlfriend to your parents, then you should be the first to offer to pick up the check. Be willing to acquiesce, however, if the parents insist.
2. Sit next to your boyfriend/girlfriend and make them feel as comfortable as possible. Hold their hand under the table. Pat their leg gently. Show affection when it’s appropriate, but keep kissing to a minimum.
3. Don’t talk about politics or religion at the first meeting.
4. Avoid making fun of your boyfriend/girlfriend in front of the parents. Even if you’re joking it’s just a bad idea.
5. Don’t let your parents disrespect your boyfriend/girlfriend. Little jabs about lifestyle choices or discussions around exes are disrespectful and set the precedent for future gatherings.
6. Don’t talk about marriage or kids, and don’t let your parents talk about those subjects either.
7. If you’re the one being introduced to the parents, make sure you know enough about their back story to bring up interesting topics for discussion without offending their tastes or previous missteps (ie. ex-husbands, children from a different marriage).
8. Accidental faux pas should not be dwelled upon. Take a bathroom break. Move on the next subject. Do something to quickly shift the focus.
9. Create an out clause with your significant other prior to the meet up. If you’re uncomfortable you need a safe way to express your discomfort. Establish a code – a verbal or non-verbal cue that can be used in extreme situations.

I’m barely skimming the surface with these best practices, but the most important thing is to keep it simple and try to be yourself.

Got a valuable tip or lesson to share?

Let’s talk about numbers.

Here was my comment on Angie’s blog (mainly directed at Jack for his ignorance in claiming that Angie is deceitful and promiscuous for not wanting to reveal the number of men she’s slept with):

“First of all, I couldn’t have written this post any better. It’s spot on and speaks to the exact reasons why I think the numbers game is a bad one to play (especially since you can’t trust a single person to give the right one anyway). Obviously, as you point out, sexual history is key, and questions about STDs and testing are legitimate and necessary. People offended by these questions should help you keep your clothes on.

I love your point, “it only takes one partner to contract STDs.” I hate to break it to all the guys who are being miseducated by Roissy, but a girl who is less sexually promiscuous or not a “slut,” in their terms, is by no means a free pass to go without a condom.

Unfortunately for Jack he obviously lives and dies by the logic of Roissy, which is flawed existence to say the least. Start asking women how many men they’ve slept with and you will find yourself having a lot less sex. Why his followers (and that’s what they are) can’t conjure up some healthy respect level for women is beyond me. The real world consists of people. Constantly trying to bed every hot woman you meet is a shallow and futile existence. Life is about so much more than getting laid. Of course there are women on the prowl in much the say way, and I hope these women find these men, which brings us full circle. If you want an easy lay you can bet that it ain’t your game that is getting you ass, but the fact that the girl wants the same thing, probably making her number pretty darn high. Seems like “sluts” are exactly what are you want then Jack.”

I have to admit that once Jack confessed to have found Angie through Roissy’s blog, I was quick to lump him into the male pig category. Jack may not be a Roissy Jr., but his overuse of the word “slut” and his quick to judge nature proves he’s headed in that direction.

So back to the loaded question at hand…

How many people have you slept with?

It really shouldn’t matter. Read Angie’s points on this, I can’t say it any better than her. I can speak to the reasons why this question gets asked so frequently, and some key attributes of the person(s) asking the question.

Better questions then the one above…

Who’s asking and why do you want to know?

There a few types of men that ask this question (these categorizations could just as easily apply to women too):

1. The less-than-experienced man – the question comes from a place of insecurity or inexperience. He’s either afraid that he won’t stack up in the sack, or he really just doesn’t know that he shouldn’t be asking the question. He might even think the question is cute or playful, and he certainly means no harm by it.
2. The more-than-experienced-facade man – he may or may not want to know your actual number, but he’s secretly hoping that you’ll ask the question back so that he can display his possibly concocted prowess. Instead of revealing a number, he’ll probably feed you the “you don’t want to know” or the “it’s too high to count” line. Some guys develop an inflated sense of self from the number of women they bed, and aren’t afraid to broadcast their behaviors. Others just want you to think that they’re the man. Regardless of whether or not it’s a facade, this man is a tool.
3. The judgmental man (like Jack) – the question comes from a place of judgment (and possibly insecurity). He has some arbitrary and misguided number in his head that he deems reasonable. He wants to know because he thinks he has mastered the girlfriend equation, and this variable is essential to determining whether you’re greater than or less than his standards. This man is a bigger tool.
4. The confused and curious man – he really doesn’t have a good reason for asking, expect that he just wants to know. A lot of the guys I’ve dated fall into this category. The topic piques their curiosity, but when it’s time to move on to the next subject they aren’t capable of letting it go. Funny thing, not one of these guys ever told me their number.

So if you still feel like asking for a concrete number, what kind of guy/gal are you?

There’s something inexplicable about the weakened immune system that simultaneously weakens my strong independent woman persona. Every time I get really sick, I find myself fighting against the emotional wreck buried inside me. Ex-boyfriends magically become saints who I never should have discarded, new prospects offer the hope of a relationship, and the sight of me in the mirror makes me question my beauty and my success (or lack their of) in life.

You girls remember the episode of Sex and the City where Big has heart surgery and Carrie takes care of him? Big, the biggest of detached and unemotional male pigs, was rethinking everything in his life including the nature of his relationship with Carrie. He goes to sleep a changed man, ready to commit, but he wakes up feeling better and it’s like those thoughts were never real. Samantha suffered the same malady, but quickly rediscovered her sexual diva when the sickness faded away.

All this nonsense is the product of inactivity. I hate being inactive. The cliché “the mind is a terrible thing to waste” should read “the mind is a dangerous thing to leave unchecked.” The problem with being out of regular commission is that your life as you know it stops. Meetings, email, dates, and drinks are replaced with sweaty naps, pounding headaches, and extreme body temperature fluctuations. The inactivity settles in and individuals not in a relationship find themselves painfully laboring to make a cup of tea. A sick single gal is nothing more than a germ infested pool of hormones and loneliness.

I know what I’ll be doing tonight, this fine Friday night that would normally lead to some form of debauchery and the promise of a goodnight kiss; I’ll be making another cup of tea and forgetting why it is I love to be single.

1. He says “we” at anytime. The first date is merely the meeting of two individuals, two distinct individuals. If you hit it off, you’ll both have the opportunity to use “we” in the future, but it should have no place at the first date dinner table. There are only two reasons a man would use “we” on the first date. a) He’s a pig and he’s trying to get you into bed. b) He’s already put the cart before the horse, and he wants you to be his girlfriend. A man that uses “we” on the first date has pretty much laid all his cards on the table. He’s expecting this first date to go somewhere more serious, and even though it’s admiral to think it, he should never say it. He’s needy and needy men become clingy and unattractive after a few months (but you’ll already be stuck in a serious relationship).
2. Either of the acronyms “WoW” (in reference to World of Warcraft) or “MMORPG” (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games) escape his lips. If he uses both in the same sentence, run away fast. I have nothing against a man that plays these online games (that’s not totally true), but if he can’t contain his enthusiasm for his hobby, you can assume all of the following: he’s obsessed, he’s skipped a shower for an important battle/match, he’ll choose the game over sex at some point in the relationship, he’s already created a female character that is more buxom than any playboy centerfold, and he’ll blame you for infringing upon his mode of relaxation if you try to pull him away from the game for anything other than food.
3. He can’t decide which sports bar to take you to. Sports are great. Men who love sports are great. Sports on the first date, unless the date is the live sporting event, is not great; it signifies a man that isn’t willing to sacrifice his love of the game for a chance to really get to know you. His priorities won’t change for the second date or after the second year of dating. This really isn’t a problem in Southern California, but venture to New England and the sports bar conundrum could happen to you (it’s happened to me).
4. You need a drink to have a good time. This seems obvious, but alcohol impairs your judgment. If the guy bores you when you’re sober, but alcohol makes him good people, chances are you’ll always be less than entertained when you’re in the company of this male and without a drink.

I’ve started the list, now it’s your turn to add to it. Angie, you’ve got at least one or two to add right?