I’m here to help!

This post is for all the men out there who are searching for that perfect Valentine’s Day gift or activity. Okay let’s be honest. This post is really for men who can’t think beyond the box of the chocolates, but would rather not piss off their special lady.

Good (read – sufficient enough to avoid any fights or create discontent)

1. Dinner reservations – most guys are savvy enough to know that trying to eat out on Vday is impossible without a reservation. Don’t wait till Wednesday. Check out restaurant reviews on Yelp (if you’re a San Diego resident you can email me for ideas) and make that reservation tonight. You’ll get added bonus points for picking something not quintessentially associated with Valentine’s Day (that’s too easy), but instead associated with a key moment in the relationship. Where were you when you two first kissed or decided to be exclusive? Women like to know that their man has an emotional heartbeat. Help her to find your sensitivity pulse by taking the initiative to arrange dinner plans that are reminiscent of a great memory.
2. Send flowers – this is easy and obvious, but it’s still better than a box of chocolates. Since Vday is a Thursday, have the flowers sent to her work. This only works if the relationship is serious, though, because some women (including moi) don’t want my coworkers to know about my personal relationships too soon; it makes me feel exposed, especially since everyone always oohs and aahs over the flowers.
3. Make your own basket – baskets with chocolates, candles, and beauty products are a dime a dozen, but with a little more work you can create your own personalized basket for her. Start by going to Michael’s and picking up a basket, then pick up a few of her favorite products whether they be chocolate (try upscale places like Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory for fun and tasty alternatives to traditional boxed chocolates), bath and body (The Body Shop), or home decor items (Illuminations), finally dress up the basket with tissue paper (for height), decorative ribbon, and a nice card.

Great (read – a little more effort is always appreciated)

1. Take her shopping (before dinner) – find out her favorite store, pick her up from work on Vday and take her there. Instruct her to select any outfit she would like to wear to dinner (or after), and foot the bill. Of course this activity is all about making her feel sexy and desirable, so if you think your capable of saying something to destroy this mood, this is not an option for you. Major bonus points if you let her dress you for the evening too.
2. Pamper her vanity – (disclaimer: this works best on weekends) if your woman likes to feel glamorous make arrangements for her to get her makeup done (you can call the MAC counter of any Nordies and set this up yourself – it’s free if you buy product), her hair styled (she probably has the number to her stylist in her planner), and her nails done. She’ll feel beautiful, confident, and appreciated.
3. Take her wine tasting – This is such a great alternative to the dinner reservation staple, because it can be extremely romantic if done right. If you happen to be in San Diego, Temecula Valley’s wine country is pretty phenomenal. Wine tasting is affordable, intimate, cultural, fun, and social. If you’ve got the money to spend, you might want to rent a limo or reserve a room. Bonus points if you plan ahead and bring a variety of grapes, cheese, and crackers to ensure proper sustenance.

Fabulous (read – a whole lot of effort but satisfaction guaranteed)

1. Combine 1 idea from the Great category with 1 idea from the Good category. For example, start the day off by sending her flowers to her job, and include a personalized card that let’s her know you’ll be escorting her off for a fabulous night of wine tasting and conversation.
2. Schedule a couple’s spa session – This may seem a little on the cheesy side, but most women (despite what you’ve seen on TV) rarely pamper themselves, and have probably never experienced a couple’s message. Odds are that she’ll be thrilled to create new memories with you. For locating a spa near you, you can use Yelp or get recommendations from her female friends.
3. Turn your bedroom into a Valentine’s Day wonderland – This requires the most work because in order to achieve the full effect you’ll need to purchase new sheets (reds, whites, pinks (pastels are great)), window coverings, a myriad of candles (with complimenting scents), roses or rose petals (for the rose pedals on the bed effect), and you’ll need to get a female to help you put everything together. The ambiance should be romantic and ethereal, which means that red everywhere is just not going to accomplish the right effect.

As I said before, I’m here to help so you can always email me if you need ideas that are more specific to your woman. Some easy alternatives to the options above include a comedy show, a burlesque show, a hotel reservation, or dinner cruise.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Timing

My informal research shows that most people would rather get this out of the way relatively early in the relationship, or put it off for as long as possible.

Both approaches are flawed.

If you introduce (or meet) the parents too soon you risk jeopardizing the foundation of the relationship. Relationships are tricky, and regardless of chemistry or whether or not it just feels right, a relationship can’t survive the test of time unless the foundation is properly laid. In relation to meeting the parents, you need to be 100% certain that the person you’re with will have your back during the first encounter (or vice versa), and that kind of trust is developed over time. Your significant other needs to grasp the potential awkwardness of the situation, and be able to comfort you if things go awry. There needs to be a common understanding that the odd man (or woman) out won’t be hung out to dry. Also, a newbie relationship can’t withstand the pressure or tension that could arise from the meeting. If the parents find fault, the child could question his/her original motivations for being in the relationship. Plus, the parents will be hard pressed to search for faults if they can sense that their son or daughter is crazy (in a healthy way) about the person their with.

As for the opposite scenario, waiting too long can be just as detrimental. Putting off the inevitable (if the relationship is serious then it is inevitable) could breed insecurity and crack the foundation of the relationship. The parents will usually feel slighted (if they know about the relationship, if they don’t then that is a huge red flag) or maligned if they aren’t given the opportunity to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend. They might question your motives for not arranging a meeting sooner (ie. you’re not serious about the relationship, there must be something wrong with the girl/guy, or you’re ashamed of them (all bad)), and worst of all they might judge your significant other negatively because of the delay. Add to this the emotional disturbance of one party wanting the meeting while the other doesn’t and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster.

In my experiences it takes 4 – 6 months to create the ideal situation for a proper parental introduction. If you’re not ready after 6 months, it might be time to explore other options.

Setting

Where the first meeting takes place is very important. The nature of the arrangement is such that one person will always be at a disadvantage. The parents and their respective child might feel slightly awkward, but the person in the most uncomfortable situation is the significant other (I would never advocate a dual parent first meeting, too many personalities at the table could create an indecipherable cacophony of voices and opinions).

Arranging a meeting that creates as much equality and comfortability as possible is tantamount. Avoid private dinners, noisy bars, family functions (weddings, funerals, picnics etc), or any other scenario that is difficult to extricate yourself from if things get weird.

Keep it short and sweet and around an hour. This is just an introduction. There will be a handful of opportunities to delve deeper later, but the objective here is to get the family’s initial buy-in. All that is required is a brief lunch or dinner at a casual restaurant with booths or tables not too clustered together. I would let the parents choose the restaurant, but give them a few pre-selected restaurants to choose from that offer an ambiance that is convenient for socializing (romantic settings don’t work).

Etiquette

Here are some pretty basic rules to make sure everything goes smoothly:

1. If you’re introducing your boyfriend/girlfriend to your parents, then you should be the first to offer to pick up the check. Be willing to acquiesce, however, if the parents insist.
2. Sit next to your boyfriend/girlfriend and make them feel as comfortable as possible. Hold their hand under the table. Pat their leg gently. Show affection when it’s appropriate, but keep kissing to a minimum.
3. Don’t talk about politics or religion at the first meeting.
4. Avoid making fun of your boyfriend/girlfriend in front of the parents. Even if you’re joking it’s just a bad idea.
5. Don’t let your parents disrespect your boyfriend/girlfriend. Little jabs about lifestyle choices or discussions around exes are disrespectful and set the precedent for future gatherings.
6. Don’t talk about marriage or kids, and don’t let your parents talk about those subjects either.
7. If you’re the one being introduced to the parents, make sure you know enough about their back story to bring up interesting topics for discussion without offending their tastes or previous missteps (ie. ex-husbands, children from a different marriage).
8. Accidental faux pas should not be dwelled upon. Take a bathroom break. Move on the next subject. Do something to quickly shift the focus.
9. Create an out clause with your significant other prior to the meet up. If you’re uncomfortable you need a safe way to express your discomfort. Establish a code – a verbal or non-verbal cue that can be used in extreme situations.

I’m barely skimming the surface with these best practices, but the most important thing is to keep it simple and try to be yourself.

Got a valuable tip or lesson to share?

1. He says “we” at anytime. The first date is merely the meeting of two individuals, two distinct individuals. If you hit it off, you’ll both have the opportunity to use “we” in the future, but it should have no place at the first date dinner table. There are only two reasons a man would use “we” on the first date. a) He’s a pig and he’s trying to get you into bed. b) He’s already put the cart before the horse, and he wants you to be his girlfriend. A man that uses “we” on the first date has pretty much laid all his cards on the table. He’s expecting this first date to go somewhere more serious, and even though it’s admiral to think it, he should never say it. He’s needy and needy men become clingy and unattractive after a few months (but you’ll already be stuck in a serious relationship).
2. Either of the acronyms “WoW” (in reference to World of Warcraft) or “MMORPG” (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games) escape his lips. If he uses both in the same sentence, run away fast. I have nothing against a man that plays these online games (that’s not totally true), but if he can’t contain his enthusiasm for his hobby, you can assume all of the following: he’s obsessed, he’s skipped a shower for an important battle/match, he’ll choose the game over sex at some point in the relationship, he’s already created a female character that is more buxom than any playboy centerfold, and he’ll blame you for infringing upon his mode of relaxation if you try to pull him away from the game for anything other than food.
3. He can’t decide which sports bar to take you to. Sports are great. Men who love sports are great. Sports on the first date, unless the date is the live sporting event, is not great; it signifies a man that isn’t willing to sacrifice his love of the game for a chance to really get to know you. His priorities won’t change for the second date or after the second year of dating. This really isn’t a problem in Southern California, but venture to New England and the sports bar conundrum could happen to you (it’s happened to me).
4. You need a drink to have a good time. This seems obvious, but alcohol impairs your judgment. If the guy bores you when you’re sober, but alcohol makes him good people, chances are you’ll always be less than entertained when you’re in the company of this male and without a drink.

I’ve started the list, now it’s your turn to add to it. Angie, you’ve got at least one or two to add right?

In the interest of this post, I’ve decided to clip a small part of the email. His words describe how he found me.

clipped from mail.google.com

I was clicking around yelp for reviews for that area and saw a review of yours. I found your blogs through that. It was weird to catch up with someone who wasn’t there.

Where do I start? Obviously he could be reading this now, and I think it’s only fair to state that I haven’t responded to him yet. To speak to the world is easy. To speak to him is like reliving some of the most painful moments of my young adult life.

I was 18 then and definitely less aware of me. He wasn’t the best boyfriend. I wasn’t the best girlfriend. The details of the relationship are dramatic and tragic, novel-worthy to say the least. Truth be told I’m just not capable of reopening those wounds, of dealing with a past that I no longer talk about.

He’s probably changed. His email was kind. His words were sensitive. The woman inside of me wants to respond back, but I can’t. The loves that burn the most certainly scar the worst. My scars are permanent; these scars may be internal but they live on inside of me and I carry them with me.

His email, this reminder of things past, this attack on my current state of mind, it’s driving me mad. After all these years, how can one ex turn my world upside down with an email send button?

Adjusting to this shock is key. There’s no telling how many other ex-boyfriends will surface again. Let’s just hope their emails are kind and the memory of me doesn’t prompt some nasty blog comments.

IMG_0106, originally uploaded by b_d_solis.

I love flickr and I love this photo I found of Teresa, Angie, and me at the Wynn on Wednesday night. What a great event! To read all about my evening check out this post.

Since completely breaking things off with the ex back in June, I’ve discovered that I am a magnet for the freaks and the crazies. I’m not entirely sure that the dramatic relocation across country is to blame. Here’s a run down of the men, by region, who have expressed their enigmatic interest in me:

San Diego Studs, Almost

1. Chemistry Monkey – CM is a super cute former Bostonian with a brain that is second-to-none. CM is brilliant, witty, successful, and so not single. We connected in-flight, post beverage service, on route to Baltimore (I was headed to Manchester for my interview). We laughed together, almost cried together, and definitely basked in this rare and riveting moment of flight flirtation. I was finally the girl in the movie, meeting the man of her dreams in the most unlikely of circumstances. But he was so not single. He admitted to having a girlfriend, somehow related to his boss and latina (oh crap), midway through our Southwest Seduction. I was horrified, but I acted cool. I thought to myself, “he doesn’t need to know that I was flirting.”

The flirtation didn’t stop there though. We exchanged contact info and met up for drinks back in San Diego. The chemistry wasn’t just molecular, it was tangible. I called it quits. I didn’t return his calls or emails…until I moved. He said he was S.I.N.G.L.E. and coming to Boston to visit his family (how cute). We planned to have lunch on Saturday and he was considering being my plus one at a costume-fun party in wonderland. He blew me off. He called me the day of and rambled on for five impossibly long minutes about how he couldn’t do this because of that…blah…blah…blah. I’m not sure I’m buying the single story.

2. Dead Beat Drunk – DBD is seriously studly, as sexy as they get. 6 feet of muscle-toned manliness. I remember the first time we met like it was actually something worth remembering, and yet I’d as soon forget it if I could. I strolled in to the fabulous Aero Club Bar on India Street in San Diego to visit my best-friend and former beer-maid of Aero, Angie. It was a sticky Sunday afternoon and the sweat from the bar patrons was intoxicating and simultaneously invigorating. Angie’s almost man of the moment was bragging about his recent smuggler smack down and I was starting to notice the very attractive athletic looking fellow in the Padre cap. I guess he noticed me too. As soon as we started talking, the stench of hard alcohol fermented with beer migrated from his mouth to my nose. He was piss drunk and I told him so. He asked for my number and I declined with a clause, “why don’t we meet up some time and talk when you’re sober.” He jumped for the chance and our foursome agreed to reconvene the following Sunday.

The next Sunday was a Sunday of no surprises and only slight disappointment. DBD showed up sober and then shot 1 tequila, beer 1, shot 2 tequila, beer 2, shot 3 something pink, beer 3, beer 4, beer 5…take one down and pass it around 99 bottles of beer on the wall. It was 10:30pm before my frustration bubbled to the surface like carbonation. I was promised dinner and sober conversation. I got 1 free beer and a headache to boot.

I’d like to say that that was the last chance, but I’m a glutton for punishment (and a nice bod) so there was one final shot (not of the alcohol variety). We met for drinks (go figure) at Aero and then we went to his place for movies. I didn’t realize I was still in high school and that movies meant making-out, but as soon we got back to his place he planted his sloppy, slobbery, beer-invested, extremely misdirected lips on mine. I backed away and tried to avoid another awfully awkward full-frontal attack of the mouth. No luck. I ran away as soon as I could (he passed out). He’s called several times since then. He’s even called in the past few months post move. I never answer. He never leaves a message. It’s almost perfect.

3. Going Away Guy – GAG is probably a really great guy but I never had the chance to find out. I met him two weeks prior to moving and we realized we liked each other the night of my going away party. He’s not a freak of any variety, but he is just a little odd. He appeared to be the guy that promised a future to get what he wanted in the present, but he never tried anything sketchy. He appeared to be the guy that was an artist in the romantic sense, but he promised me a copy of his novel and never sent it. He appeared to be the guy that was financially secure and aware of his destiny, and yet he spent the majority of our one date complaining about finances (ick by the way), and I bought drinks.

GAG is now history. There have been a few open-ended texts but this is definitely a closed sentence.

Mass Manomalies (read: man + anomaly = manomaly)

1. Cruise Ship Guy Gone Overboard – CSGGO sat next to me on Coyote Ugly Night at Johnny Bad’s, where I mistakenly ventured solo because I believed the sign on the door that read “Karaoke on Saturday” (there’s a lesson here). Surrounded by scantily-clad average looking women dancing on the bar with their booties in my face, I felt compelled to chat with CSGGO. He seemed really nice so we exchanged numbers.

He called me exactly three days later (how cute) and he went on and on about being on leave from his job aboard a cruise ship (not so cute). I was starting to think I had made a mistake when he finally asked me out on a date (whew!). Date suggestion 1: watch Charger/Patriot game. Okay I love the Chargers, this might work. Date suggestion 2: watch the Red Sox game. Hmmm, okay this could be alright. Date suggestion 3: watch college football games. Wait a minute. Every date idea involves sports, is this guy incapable of going on a date without sports involved? Basically, yes. We opted for #3 (he opted, I felt obligated not to opt out) and mid-date I started to check out the other guys at the bar who were actually looking at me and not the various games on TV. CSGGO didn’t seem to notice.

2. Instant Stalker – Much like a Chia Pet and the just add water phenomena, IS grew into a creation all his own in a matter of twenty-four hours. IS was chatting up a friend at Strange Brew (so far the best bar I’ve been to) when he made his way over to me. Instantly I knew that IS wasn’t my type, but I was starved for male attention and craving a little companionship. Turns out he was kind of cute and pretty funny. He asked for my number and I gave it, willingly.

Not even 10 minutes after his departure, IS sends me a barrage of text messages before I even have time to hit the reply button. We texted until the wee hours of the morn (he texted, I feel asleep). The next day I realized that I had dozed off in the midst of the throws of his texting passion, so I texted an apology. Big mistake. The flood gates were open yet again. I ignored as many texts as I could, but at around 7:30 mid-transit to a very important business dinner, I get the most bizarre and asinine text of my life. The conversation went as follows:

IS: Have you ever taken a chance and prayed that it worked? Have you ever been spontaneous and trusted in your instincts?

Me: I guess, why?

IS: I really felt a strong connection and I don’t think we should ignore it. Come to my house.

Me: (for the 3rd time in 12 hrs) I’ve got work.

IS: Well I’ll be up till one. Either way I want to see you or talk to you before I go to bed.

It is so over. Thankfully like the Chia Pet, IS’s vitality died out after full bloom never to be heard from again.

3. Costumed Crazy – Halloween is definitely a holiday on my calendar, so this year I made extra effort to create (read: buy the elements) a pretty elaborate costume. I became Alice in Wonderland with her trademark blue jumper, black mary-jane-esque pumps, white stockings, black headband, platinum blond wig, and white petticoat. I went so far as to do Alice poses at the party.

But what’s a costume party without a little decorated debauchery? CC approached me, dressed as a 50’s greaser a la Danny Zucco in Grease. The first five minutes were fantastic. He likes the Padres. Plus. He’s employed. Plus. He’s single. Plus plus. Unfortunately what followed was minus masked frivolity. His true colors started to show. He’s very recently single and so not over the ex. Negative. He’s drunk. Negative. He’s following me around like a leach. Negative. Ick he’s trying to kiss me in front of everyone at the party. Three times. Triple negative.

As if his unabashed behavior wasn’t reason enough to be turned off, I found out the next day that minus my presence he tried to plus with Amanda (a friend). He even tried to kiss her repeatedly, and she’s engaged…and vocal about it.

4. Speechless Gym-Rat – To be perfectly honest, I have the hugest crush on SGR. We see each other every day at Golds and there’s always a back and forth. He looks my way, I look his, he looks away, I look away. This has been happening for weeks! It’s driving me crazy. He’s just so cute and he appears so nice. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the nerve to go and say hi. Here’s to hoping he’s slightly normal!