A glass of Merlot takes it hold…

If I’m being as honest as humanly possible, I would have to admit that I miss the erotic touch from a man that I physically and emotionally crave, or the comfort of coming home to someone who’s as wrapped up in my well-being as I am. Those are things that even the independent woman in me wants, but I’ve been single for so long now that I can’t remember if those things are worth the compromise and sacrifice that a relationship takes.

Here’s my romantic history in brief. From high school up through the months after graduating college, I was a serial serious relationship gal, with the most supreme of relationships resulting in an engagement that never came to fruition. After a few bitter and judgmental years I found Dave. I loved Dave but Dave did not love me back – he barely appreciated me and we stopped having regular sex – so I cheated because I desperately wanted to be desired. The cheating broke me so I ended it, though that turned out to be a strange and sad experience, because in the process I learned that I didn’t want to lose him, but that he was fine with losing me. The whole ordeal again soured me on relationships.

Two years post Dave, I feel like I’ve reached a state of personal relationship zen. Neither am I in search of or opposed to a relationship, I just am. I’m doing my own thing, and I desperately want that to be a professional win for me.

I don’t know why, but every time I’ve been serious about a man I’ve let that relationship dictate way too much about my life. Maybe it’s that realization or some other fucked up flaw, but each man that I’ve become emotionally connected to since Dave has been unavailable in more ways than one.

To say that I wasn’t slightly comforted by these men and their respective off-limits vibe would be a lie. I was extremely conscious of the fact that I could never fully have the type of life-draining relationship with these men that I’ve had in the past. It just wasn’t physically possible. Did I use them for affection or attention? I think it was a mutually beneficial pity party that always ended badly for both parties. One person always begins to care more, and that’s when trouble starts to brew.

So here again I find myself on a Saturday night with no love interest and really no perspectives on the horizon. The peace I have is derived from knowing that I’m not waiting for any calls or trying to decipher the subtext that is man’s way of expressing his interest, I am just me being me.

Two glasses of the previously mentioned Merlot, Jon Foreman’s, The Cure for Pain, is playing, and the air is thick with reflection and solidarity…”So blood is fire pulsing through our veins. We’re either writers or fools behind the reigns. I’ve spent ten years trying to sing it all way, but the water keeps on falling from my tries.”

I just want something that works, but society wants me to settle down, get married, and have babies. Heck at this point I think my parents would gladly settle for a bastard grandchild in lieu of the nothingness that they’ve come to expect. Extended family seem to think it appropriate to always ask about a significant other. There never is one to report.

“It’s not as if New York City burned down to the ground when you drove away…are we breaking up? Did my heart break enough this time?” – Rilo Kiley, Breakin’ Up

It feels good to be free. Unavailable men, ex-fiances, abusers and controllers, they’ve all been eradicated from my life, and this independent woman wants to rejoice in that fact. But why am I still craving the carnivorous lust of a man who can’t stand to be in the same room with me without ripping off my clothes. Sexual frustration? Maybe. Human disposition playing a cruel joke on yours truly? More likely. Quixotic social preconditions influencing my thinking? That sounds right.

Let’s just say I’m one narcissistic creative junkie (remember the wine and music quotes?) who needs an outlet. I’ve chosen writing to be that outlet. Someday I’ll choose love.

Bottle of Merlot finit.

*Photo courtesy of Greg_e on Flickr

My single status has been teetering between available, semi-available, and soon to be unavailable since my last serious relationship ended in March of 2007. I’ve yet to find anyone worthy of the sacrifices a real commitment takes. In the not so distant past, I did, however, get pretty darn close to wanting to take myself off the market for someone who could have been pretty darn special to me. That didn’t work out quite as I had envisioned. Although the intermittent tears, tears more for a bruised ego than a broken heart, have long since dried, I got close enough to conjure recollections of one of the very nasty side effects of co-habitation – weight gain.

I’m by no means a lazy person, and right now I’m operating with small windows of free time that I can either choose to spend socially, blogging, in bed (sleep or otherwise), or at the gym. I try to find a balance where I don’t feel socially depraved, fat, tired, or starving for a blog post. Take that juggling act and throw in another ball, in the shape of a man, and you’ve got a circus act that leaves magic to the imagination. I know I’m not alone out there, and I also know that sometimes finding time for a workout is impossible, even when there’s a little bit more time to go around.

We’re Letting Ourselves Go, but Why?

Something just isn’t right here. There are those miraculously fit women who never gain a pound, but the majority of us pack on the winter weight, even if it is summer, as we approach domesticity and seal ourselves inside the monogamy envelope. What’s going on here? Is it a time thing? Is it a question of priorities? Are we just too comfortable being coupled up? Are we unhappy…unsatisfied…starved for sex and attention? I think there could be truth in any of these reasons, but the underlying reason behind all of these excuses is that…

taking care of our bodies is work, and once we’ve landed the boyfriend contract, the incentive to put in the work becomes as desirable as returning to blind dates and bad first dates.

Settling in to the Fat

I’ve never been in a relationship where I was able to maintain my ideal weight, but I’ve also never been in a really phenomenal relationship. Is that the key? Are we settling for relationships that don’t inspire us to take care of ourselves? I think so, and I’m 100% confident it’s not a problem unique to women.

Men settle. Women settle.

When we’re single, our idealism is tempered with realism and we set standards and say to ourselves, “the next person I date will be x, y, z, and then some.” Circumstances, however, change everything. We meet someone who doesn’t live up to our criteria initially, we get to know them, and we like them; letting the little things go seems natural, obligatory, and right. So we sacrifice a little, and settle for something less than perfect. It may seem harmless in the moment, but settling (although the difference between compromise and sacrifice is a big gray mass) equates to future tangible unhappiness that will be expressed through our behaviors, either via food, lack of exercise, or worst of all an emotional and/or physical affair.

Removing the Junk in the Trunk

This is where I can only guess at the solution. I can add up the total of my experiences, including the one where I almost walked down the aisle, and I can reflect, and I can decide that an exceptional relationship is not an option – it’s deal or no deal time. Of course even the exceptional relationship will never prevent the added junk from piling up in the trunk at times, but the exceptional partner in the exceptional relationship will be the right motivation for preventing the junk from transforming into garabage. In a perfect world the expectional relationship will also include frequent exceptional sex to help combat any missed trips to the gym. Here’s to being single and idealistic!

The point is that I am no stranger to troubled times. I’ve survived in stages. I’ve gone through various stages to cope: rebounds, bitterness, unavailability, altered reality, depression, religion, and even solipsism. And although I’ve become a master at hastily moving on, I’ve failed miserably at the coping part.

What I do, in lieu of coping, is put on a false front of appearing to be okay. I try so hard, for appearances sake, to be myself that I forget to deal with the pain appropriately. So even though I move on quickly, I never quite let go of the hurt, which continues to haunt me until it catches up to me.

Now that I’m a little older and hopefully wiser, I’m still struggling with how to cope with betrayal. Betrayal gets me every time. I’m a trusting person. I want to believe that there is good in everyone. I want to believe that people aren’t sick enough to make a mockery out of me for no reason other than the fun of it — that just seems too cruel to fathom. Betrayal still happens despite my efforts to believe otherwise, and when it does I always reflect on the how and the why. Here are the trends I’ve noticed.

Why Betrayal Happens

In my experiences there really isn’t one reason why someone chooses to betray another, but the reasons can usually be broken down to one core idea — an individual stands to gain from the betrayal. Whether the gain is proof of power, improvement in social status, financial gain, personal satisfaction, avoiding exposure/cover-up of other lies, or anything else, betrayal happens because one person is put in a situation where choosing to sacrifice a level of trust with another person becomes less important than doing something that they can profit by.

How Betrayal Happens

Secrets and lies. Those who choose to be betrayers secretly sign their name to the book of liars. Whether the betrayal is well planned, or a circumstance of other shady behaviors, betrayal cannot exist without secrets and lies that beget other secrets and lies. More often than not the one who is being betrayed will see hints of what is happening, and their trust in the friend and secret betrayer is put into question. If you’ve ever been confronted with variations of the truth from multiple parties, you can rest assured that someone or some group of people are in the process of betraying you. If you’re anything like me, however, you choose to believe the lies, and the lies that are concocted to cover the other lies, because it’s easier than confronting the truth.

How to Cope

So what do you do when you’ve discovered that people you’ve trusted have betrayed you? How do you go about healing properly? How do you avoid becoming one of those bitter and angry people that doesn’t trust anyone? How do you go about forgiving? As I said above, betrayal always gets me. I try so hard to recover, so hard to forgive, so hard to avoid becoming cynical, but then another person comes along and betrays my trust yet again; I’m left feeling even more foolish than the last time and finding it a cliff to climb to reach the pinnacle of forgiveness. What’s the right answer?

Lately the same conversation keeps happening…

Man: You’re probably going to blog about this.

Me: I might <wink>.

Man: Just make sure to keep me anonymous.

Me: Of course.

A few weeks later…

Man: I can’t believe you actually blogged about me.

Me: You knew that I had this blog, and I warned you that you might make an appearance. Didn’t I keep your identity private?

Man: Well I really thought that our moments were private.

Me: Our moments are private. For the most part, I strip you out of the content completely and only take the circumstances that I can apply to bigger trends or broader subjects.

Why I Do What I Do

My intentions are never to use the relationships or situations that I find myself in for good content, traffic, or comments. I’m really not that shallow, nor do I think my life to be that interesting. At the very core of my being is a writer, who enjoys the beauty of the written word and the blogging platform as a means to reach a larger audience. I blog for several reasons, but for the most part what you read here is the product of the following:

1. I’m an overly analytical person. I never have just a passing thought, and when it comes to relationships and men, I tend to obsess over every single detail. The easiest way for me to make sense of a situation is to write about it. Blogging helps me release the overwhelming thoughts that eat away at my sanity.
2. When I experience something that I think has implications beyond my immediate situation, I love to extract my moment in time and compare it against the millions of other moments that resemble my own. It’s not that I think I have any more experience or wisdom then the next person, it’s just that if I can find a pattern, I can come to some type or resolution.

I completely understand that most men would rather not turn on their laptop to find a blog entry about their sexual encounters with me. In fact, I usually avoid getting overly personal, and I never reveal anyone’s identity unless they’ve already expressed that they’re comfortable being a subject. What frustrates me to no end, though, is that there are men who seek me out because they appreciate the quality of my writing or the candidness of my blog, and yet these same men want to be excluded from something they know is a huge part of my life.

Is it unreasonable for me to blog about the men in my life? I certainly don’t think so. If anything, if you’re featured in an entry on Content Dynasty, you should take a little satisfaction in knowing that you’ve made a big enough impression on my life and mind that I felt compelled to write about it.

Let’s take a look at…

50 Things Guys Wish You Knew

Obviously this is copyrighted content, so I can’t recreate or reproduce the text, but here are my top 5 (including the number in the article) and the reasons I think they’re worth paying attention to:

1. Men want to be seduced by their woman (#4). Men love the idea of being an alpha male, but what really gets them hot and bothered in the bedroom is a woman who is really hot for them. It may seem contrary to the sexual roles we’ve come to expect from men and women, but men want to wanted just as much as women do. The really great men know when to take charge, though.
2. Assume that your guy is playing the field until you have the official talk (#9). This isn’t always true, most men I’ve dated are more than happy focusing their attention on one woman almost instantaneously. One caveat is that this one woman must be incredible. You’ll know he thinks you’re amazing, because he won’t let any other man snatch you up. The men that are fickle just aren’t that into you, and speaking from experience, it’s better to walk away early.
3. You can’t always judge a man’s sexual prowess by his dancing abilities (#13). Most women know this, so this one is for the guys. We’re not comparing your dance moves to your bedroom moves, because we’ve learned that coordination isn’t a simple equation. We might be a little turned off, at first, by incredibly bad dance moves though.
4. If you want something in bed, ask for it (#15). Yep. He’ll do it unless it’s crazy.
5. A man wants you more if you make yourself less available to him (#49). It sucks that there is truth to this statement, but if you make yourself too available to your man, there is the potential that he’ll get bored pretty quickly. Just make sure to take your space, because the opposite effect holds true. Guys are inspired and hot for women who have complex and busy lives.

Did you read the article and find more interesting things you’d care to share? Or do you have something to say about my top 5? Do share!

Women cheat because one or more of their needs are not being met. Those needs can be physical, emotional, or sexual, but because women tend to cheat differently than men, the signs are pretty obvious if you’re paying attention.

Signs She’s Cheating

1. Her attitude about sex has changed. Anytime there is a measurable change in the amount of sex your having in your relationship, you can be sure that there is a reason. Women feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when they cheat and this usually translates to a difference in behavior when it comes to sex with their significant other. In my experiences, the guilt is so overwhelming that I try to further distance myself from my partner, and that can be accomplished by eliminating sex. Plus, I’ve always been very monogamous so having sex with two people in a short period of time feels worse than having sex with just the man I’ve cheated with. Some women, however, respond by being overly enthusiastic about sex because they’re hoping that their man won’t notice a change in behavior or be suspicious of the affair. If either scenario sounds familiar, you might want to consider the possibility that something could be very wrong in your relationship.
2. She’s suddenly more comfortable spending less time with you. Guys tend to be the less clingy of the sexes (although I’ve had a few boyfriends who proved the opposite can be true too), so if your woman stops demanding more of your time, it’s time to think about the reasons why. As mentioned above, cheating is a heavy and weighty thing that remains on the woman’s mind long after the affair. It’s pretty typical for a woman to start wanting more space so that she can avoid having to lie to her man or feel guilty all the time. Cheating can make a woman more closed off and desirous of spending less time with the significant other she knows she’s doing wrong by.
3. She thinks your cheating. This may seem ironic or inappropriate, but a woman who’s cheating will usually become more suspicious of her man. Given her feelings for her man (especially if she loves her man), it’s easy for a woman to let her infidelity cast doubts on the fidelity of her man. The logic is that, “if I’m cheating, then he’s probably capable of doing it too.” Of course cheating rocks the foundation of any relationship, so when that foundation is shaky things that you’ve accepted to be true (ie he is faithful) come into question. The difference between a jealous woman and a jealous woman who is cheating, is that the one who is cheating won’t check your phone as readily as the former. The cheating woman is too afraid that you’ll check her phone.
4. She leaves the room when she gets a phone call. A woman who cheats needs to talk about the situation with her friends. The guilt is overwhelming and the confusion can be too much to handle. A woman needs her best friend to tell her she’s not a bad person, or to give her valuable insight. Instead of taking these calls in your presence, she’ll find a way, or an excuse, to get a comfortable distance from you. If your gal suddenly stops answering the phone when you’re around or moves to another room, make sure you find out why.
5. She’s sweeter than normal or more understanding of previous behaviors she used to despise. A woman doesn’t want you to know something is wrong or awry with the relationship until she’s decided how to process the affair. To keep you from finding her out, she’ll be as agreeable as possible, even it means letting you stay out all night with the boys.

Let me reiterate that cheating is wrong. I seriously hope to find a relationship, and eventually a marriage, where both parties are faithful, and I’ve made a conscious decision since my last relationship to never settle for anything less than a relationship that can truly satisfy all of my needs. Cheating, for men and women alike, usually happens when we settle down with people we like (maybe love) before we realize that we can’t get everything we need to stay faithful. If you’re cheating, it’s time for you to move on or fess up. If you’re afraid of coming clean because you don’t want to lose your significant other, I suggest taking some time to reflect internally. If you can’t honestly commit yourself to staying faithful and not straying again, it’s time to make some major changes.