My single status has been teetering between available, semi-available, and soon to be unavailable since my last serious relationship ended in March of 2007. I’ve yet to find anyone worthy of the sacrifices a real commitment takes. In the not so distant past, I did, however, get pretty darn close to wanting to take myself off the market for someone who could have been pretty darn special to me. That didn’t work out quite as I had envisioned. Although the intermittent tears, tears more for a bruised ego than a broken heart, have long since dried, I got close enough to conjure recollections of one of the very nasty side effects of co-habitation – weight gain.

I’m by no means a lazy person, and right now I’m operating with small windows of free time that I can either choose to spend socially, blogging, in bed (sleep or otherwise), or at the gym. I try to find a balance where I don’t feel socially depraved, fat, tired, or starving for a blog post. Take that juggling act and throw in another ball, in the shape of a man, and you’ve got a circus act that leaves magic to the imagination. I know I’m not alone out there, and I also know that sometimes finding time for a workout is impossible, even when there’s a little bit more time to go around.

We’re Letting Ourselves Go, but Why?

Something just isn’t right here. There are those miraculously fit women who never gain a pound, but the majority of us pack on the winter weight, even if it is summer, as we approach domesticity and seal ourselves inside the monogamy envelope. What’s going on here? Is it a time thing? Is it a question of priorities? Are we just too comfortable being coupled up? Are we unhappy…unsatisfied…starved for sex and attention? I think there could be truth in any of these reasons, but the underlying reason behind all of these excuses is that…

taking care of our bodies is work, and once we’ve landed the boyfriend contract, the incentive to put in the work becomes as desirable as returning to blind dates and bad first dates.

Settling in to the Fat

I’ve never been in a relationship where I was able to maintain my ideal weight, but I’ve also never been in a really phenomenal relationship. Is that the key? Are we settling for relationships that don’t inspire us to take care of ourselves? I think so, and I’m 100% confident it’s not a problem unique to women.

Men settle. Women settle.

When we’re single, our idealism is tempered with realism and we set standards and say to ourselves, “the next person I date will be x, y, z, and then some.” Circumstances, however, change everything. We meet someone who doesn’t live up to our criteria initially, we get to know them, and we like them; letting the little things go seems natural, obligatory, and right. So we sacrifice a little, and settle for something less than perfect. It may seem harmless in the moment, but settling (although the difference between compromise and sacrifice is a big gray mass) equates to future tangible unhappiness that will be expressed through our behaviors, either via food, lack of exercise, or worst of all an emotional and/or physical affair.

Removing the Junk in the Trunk

This is where I can only guess at the solution. I can add up the total of my experiences, including the one where I almost walked down the aisle, and I can reflect, and I can decide that an exceptional relationship is not an option – it’s deal or no deal time. Of course even the exceptional relationship will never prevent the added junk from piling up in the trunk at times, but the exceptional partner in the exceptional relationship will be the right motivation for preventing the junk from transforming into garabage. In a perfect world the expectional relationship will also include frequent exceptional sex to help combat any missed trips to the gym. Here’s to being single and idealistic!

I absolutely love Katy Perry’s new song, I Kissed a Girl. The lyrics don’t necessarily speak to me on an intellectual or emotional level, but I enjoy the sound of her voice, the kitchy quality of the song, and the upbeat tempo. What interests me more, however, are the inferences one can draw from the song as related to a shift in social mores. Let’s explore the women kissing women concept a bit more.

Why do we do it?

Maybe I grew up in a time of sexual experimentation, possibly a product of the sexual revolution, but ever since college I’ve been conscious of a growing trendy — women kissing other women. In case you’re wondering, I’ve been an active participant in this fad that doesn’t seem to be losing style points as the years go by. From what I know about women, men, and human nature, I’m fairly certain I can speak to why all of us straight chicas are so willing to liplock with each other.

1. Just for the fun of it. The equation usually consists of a few elements mixing together — alcohol + peer pressure + appearance = impromptu female make-out sessions. It’s really pretty harmless fun. Women are very conscious oh how they’re perceived. If they want to be perceived as sexy, fun, and adventurous they will “flirt” with their girlfriends for social acceptance and appearance.
2. Trying to impress (turn-on) a man. To continue on the first reason, if women are trying to attract male attention in a social setting, or just trying to excite their boyfriend, they will bank on the fact that 99% of straight men are incredibly aroused by the thought of two (or more) women kissing. The difference between a man and a woman, however, is that a man is more sexually motivated to turn the flirtatious kissing into something more tangible. For women it’s a game of how far they can vacillate between the indecipherable boundaries of sexual innuendo and actual sex. For men it’s more like a conquest – Can I get them to kiss? Can I get them to do more than kiss? The fantasy evolves for men.
3. Genuine curiosity. Somewhere between bi-sexual and sexually experimental for appearances sake, there exists a group of women who are intrigued by the female entity. It’s a genuine curiosity that may or may not be explored. I’m pretty sure I fall into this category, so I’ll speak in the first person. Certain women exude a sexuality that is tangible. So while I would never ogle an incredibly attractive women, I can be drawn in by a woman’s aura – the way she carries herself, the way she speaks, they way she touches herself – these can all be very sensual and erotic cues that peak my interest. The difference between me and women who do it just for fun, is that I am skirting the line of bi-sexuality with a genuine (albeit temporal) attraction to women,  even though I know I’m straight.

Of course there are many other factors that contribute to the phenomena, but most straight women can identify with one or more of the reasons I’ve listed.

Is it socially acceptable?

Fact, while women kissing women is becoming more prevalent, it’s only socially acceptable in pockets of society. Part of the appeal is that it is still taboo, and our parents will hate us for doing it. Obviously the most active participants in the trend are the high school and college kids of today. But what happens as the trend ages and adults, like myself, become parents? Will it always be taboo? Once the trend becomes commonplace, will the cool kids find something more rebellious to do? Will songs like I Kissed Girl result in more girls kissing girls? These are all questions that I don’t think can be answered right now. It seems possible that the females doing it just for fun, or to impress a man, may lose interest when the act becomes a good girl norm. I doubt, however, women with a general curiosity will ever change; they might be swayed to act more readily on curiosities during a fad, but those secret thoughts and desires won’t ever dissipate.

What are your thoughts?

I’m absolutely positive that everyone can identify with this trend as either an observer or participant, so what are your thoughts? What’s happening? Why is it happening? Will the trend change over time? What are your own personal experiences?

Twitter

Twitter, for those of you not using the incredibly addicting micro-blogging site, is like one big chat room with a 140 character limit for each update. The level of addiction increases as you follow and are followed by more and more people. As more people start to tweet about their lives, their locations, and general randomness, a few Twitter police have emerged from the crowd with the intention of spanking Twitter users for what they deem to be inappropriate uses of 140 characters.

I’m tired of seeing people tweet about how or how not to tweet. Twitter is still relatively new, we’re all still figuring out how to leverage the 140 characters for value, and no one has mastered what it means to be a good twitterer/tweeter/tweep etc. Take that soap box you’re standing on and use it for something meaningful. I might use my other blog to write a full post on this subject.

Men

Some of you are great, some of you think with your dicks, and some of you are just plain dicks. Here’s the problem. I think I’ve given too many men the impression that I’m bedable — an easy lay. Sorry to disappoint fellas, but a girl like me isn’t going to give up the milk for free. Realistically, after reading my post on sexpectations, you shouldn’t even want it. This milk is sour (that is a terribly poignant analogy).

There is also a handful of you who don’t know what to do with me. You’re not interested in the sex, and for some reason or another you’re completely turned off by my personality. That’s okay. We don’t have to like each other. If, however, I make an effort to send good things your way and I’ve never done anything but speak of you highly, why do you insist upon disliking me? Maybe you think I’m one big pretender, but if you do, have the decency to tell me to my face. Please, a little common courtesy is all I ask for.

Gossip

I’m usually pretty good about not spreading gossip. I like to stick to the facts. Every once in awhile, however, a really juicy piece of information crosses my path, and I can’t help but follow the grimy trail of dirt until I reach the filthy core of the secret. Lately, however, the tables have been turned. People are gossiping about me. People I trust are telling people I don’t trust things about me and/or my sex life that are either blatantly untrue or too true (hence the secret part). It goes the other way too…people I don’t trust are making up lies and passing them off as the truth. There’s only so many times in a week I want to hear, “just so you know XXXX said this about you…”.

It’s hard not to feel like I brought all of this messiness upon myself. I’m caked in mud and trying to dine at a four star restaurant, of course I’m going to draw unwanted negative attention. Perhaps the easy remedy to the problem is to lay low, or blog less, but the reality is that as more and more people find my little sex blog, the more I’m going to have to develop a thicker layer of impenetrable skin.

Lately the same conversation keeps happening…

Man: You’re probably going to blog about this.

Me: I might <wink>.

Man: Just make sure to keep me anonymous.

Me: Of course.

A few weeks later…

Man: I can’t believe you actually blogged about me.

Me: You knew that I had this blog, and I warned you that you might make an appearance. Didn’t I keep your identity private?

Man: Well I really thought that our moments were private.

Me: Our moments are private. For the most part, I strip you out of the content completely and only take the circumstances that I can apply to bigger trends or broader subjects.

Why I Do What I Do

My intentions are never to use the relationships or situations that I find myself in for good content, traffic, or comments. I’m really not that shallow, nor do I think my life to be that interesting. At the very core of my being is a writer, who enjoys the beauty of the written word and the blogging platform as a means to reach a larger audience. I blog for several reasons, but for the most part what you read here is the product of the following:

1. I’m an overly analytical person. I never have just a passing thought, and when it comes to relationships and men, I tend to obsess over every single detail. The easiest way for me to make sense of a situation is to write about it. Blogging helps me release the overwhelming thoughts that eat away at my sanity.
2. When I experience something that I think has implications beyond my immediate situation, I love to extract my moment in time and compare it against the millions of other moments that resemble my own. It’s not that I think I have any more experience or wisdom then the next person, it’s just that if I can find a pattern, I can come to some type or resolution.

I completely understand that most men would rather not turn on their laptop to find a blog entry about their sexual encounters with me. In fact, I usually avoid getting overly personal, and I never reveal anyone’s identity unless they’ve already expressed that they’re comfortable being a subject. What frustrates me to no end, though, is that there are men who seek me out because they appreciate the quality of my writing or the candidness of my blog, and yet these same men want to be excluded from something they know is a huge part of my life.

Is it unreasonable for me to blog about the men in my life? I certainly don’t think so. If anything, if you’re featured in an entry on Content Dynasty, you should take a little satisfaction in knowing that you’ve made a big enough impression on my life and mind that I felt compelled to write about it.

Here’s a minor revelation – I’ve been secretly sharing a bed with a privileged party for a few weeks now, and I’d rather not say who this person is, but let me just iterate that I hope he’s as disconnected to my world as I think he might be (but you never know with Google these days). Back to me. The whole scenario developed unexpectedly. I’m happily single and very flirty with everyone, so when a particular man started paying extra attention to me, I really gave it zero consideration. In fact, I never even noticed him in *that* way. There’s so much more to the story, but suffice it to say we unexpectedly ended up in bed together. No I’m not proud of it, and it certainly wasn’t a defining moment in my life, but it was good and oddly very comfortable.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, then you probably already know that I’m not the type of girl that has sex just to have sex. I just wasn’t wired that way – the few times I’ve tried to disassociate feelings and do the simply sex thing, the end result was just plain messy. It’s pretty rare these days that I stumble into bed with a relative stranger before setting the sexpectations.

Setting the sexpectations, prior to the act, is the best way for me to let the guy know what he can expect after we start engaging in afternoon delights. I’ll usually lay out the following sexpectations before stripping down:

• Sex with me is complicated.
• I do get emotionally attached.
• I don’t share.
• If you’re going to sleep with someone else, tell me first or stop sleeping with me!
• You can’t be hyper-sensitive to feedback. I communicate what I want and so should you (this includes ways to improve).
• I’ve lived through too many experiences that I’d rather not share, but suffice it to say getting too rough won’t be appreciated.

Okay so now that everyone in the world knows way too much about me, let’s continue…

Here’s the problem. I made the same freakin’ mistake in my personal life that I made in my professional life. I didn’t set the sexpectations prior to the act, and now I’m paying the consequences. Trying to set sexpectations too late is almost as bad as trying to forget the whole thing ever happened.

Example.

The other night I confided in my coital confidant that I’m not interested in being friends who fuck. I was accurately picking up on a vibe that he assumed sex was an added bonus of our friendship (a friendship I’m not even sure really exists yet). Of course I was right. He’s not interested in really getting to know each other, and I was starting to think I could be open to that (but maybe that’s a side effect of good bedding, it makes you want to turn nothing into something to justify your behavior).

There was nothing left to do but to terminate the situation. If life has taught me anything, it has schooled me on the importance of self-preservation. So now I’m out, completely solo once again, and feeling like I violated my own bedroom code-of-conduct. [Said with the inflection of Chandler Bing] Could I be feeling any lower?

I don’t know. What do you guys/gals think? Is there a way to backtrack, after copulation has already occurred, and set sexpectations? Did I back myself into a rookie corner and get what I deserved? Give me some perspective on this.

This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, but I think you’ve done more justice to the subject matter than I could ever have. What you’re blessed with is an outsider perspective, and what I’m cursed with is knowing that every single word you right is true. I am very much a part of the conference circuit, and men love the attention of a pretty girl. Exhibitors result to getting “booth” babes to attract attention…wtf? When did a conference become the type of venue where Hooters wasn’t the after hours event but the in-conference feature?

To the question of marriage, I too have lost all faith in the idea of monogamy. My parents, who are monogamous, represent an ideal that seems pretty much unattainable. Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s commitment to the church, to his willingness to accept his flaws and not give in to his lust, or maybe it’s because my parents are simple folks and the glitz and glamor of the spotlight has never burned in their loins.

I’ve reread this comment several times, and having just been to Hooters (I do kind of like the place), and a number of conferences, I have found that exhibition halls tend to purposely mashup business material with in-your-face sexual assaults. Combine this with the social nature of events and the expectation of free drinks, and you end up with a breeding ground for infidelity. It’s almost like one big Frat party where the costs are always expensed to someone else.

Think about this. When you go to Hooters what are your expectations? You expect to see gratuitous amounts of cleavage and an abundance of butt checks. Given that the setting was purposely created to provide you with sexual stimuli, you are essentially encouraged to stare, drool, and act like a brutish and neolithic man. You’re expected to consume the T&A. It’s just the nature of the business.

Now think about conferences for a moment. What are your expectations? You expect to network, you expect to learn, and more and more you’re expected to party. Social mixers are now very much integrated with the actual event, but to make matters even more sexually stimulating, you’re also expected to check out the exhibition hall, where savvy exhibitors use pay-per-hour females to dress scantily clad (much like Hooters a girl) and lure you over to their booth.

My point is that Hooters and conferences have become socially acceptable places to stare, gawk, and flirt with disaster. The more socially acceptable sexual flaunting becomes, the more difficult it will be to avoid temptation. Does monogamy have a fighting chance against our evolving sexual interests?

You’re getting frisky with your man, clothes are coming off, body parts are getting warm, the mood is just right, and then for some reason or another your man’s “enthusiasm” for sexual intercourse starts to wane; he goes soft.

How do you react?

As a woman, I know that it’s difficult not to take these moments of deflated sexual tension personally. It’s easy for us to equate the level of erectness to the guy’s level of interest. We assume that maybe we don’t look good naked, we’re probably doing something wrong, or (worst case scenario) you have erectile dysfunction (can you blame us? The Viagra/Levitra commercials are everywhere).

As a guy’s gal, however, I’m constantly having conversations with men about their sex lives and relationships. Surprisingly, most men have been on the flip side of this unflattering situation. I’ve heard men get candid about this very subject, and the overwhelming trend I’m starting to recognize is that there are a myriad of variables that contribute to or detract from a hard penis. Time of day, energy level, stress level, body-image, pressure, and perception of the situation are just a few of the contributing factors, none of which have anything to do with how you look naked. Of course, these same guys admit that the occasional softy is not big a deal, but they also note that there probably is a problem if the man is frequently having these issues.

The worst thing you can do is…

…make it about you or the penis.

It’s really not about you, but when you make it about you then the whole situation becomes strained. Hurt feelings could equate to tears, which could lead to a man questioning his manhood, and might cause future challenges in the bedroom. It’s a very circular problem. If you take it personally, he’ll take it personally, and the opportunity to conclude with great sex is mutually exclusive and utterly impossible.

The reality

Guys I know have given me two pieces of advice. As a woman you could just back off from the overt sexuality of the situation and cuddle or talk (naked of course). Usually a few minutes of no pressure conversation is all a man needs to get his drive back. The other option is to keep on keeping on. Men have told me that our association between erectness and interest is not quite accurate; they still want to have sex and they still very much could cum. With either approach the key is to remove the immediate pressure of getting hard. Even a supermodel is going to have a difficult time getting a man hard once he’s entered the zone of sexual self-consciousness.

So what do you think about all this? Have you been in this situation? What are your thoughts? Got any advice to share?

What I Mean By Casual Sex

Let me make a quick distinction. Casual sex and one night stands are two entirely different concepts. One night stands are self-explanatory, but I understand casual sex to be something a little less wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. In my experiences, casual sex is a state that exists somewhere between a one nighter and the concrete confines of a committed relationship.

Tenets of Casual Sex

• The endings are usually much more humane than real break-ups. Since things were never really that serious to begin with, endings to casual sex situations can be mutually beneficial and even compassionate. Exceptions to this tenet occur when one party wants to make the casual thing a serious thing, and the other party is completely ambivalent.
• The sex is usually pretty darn good. There’s a rhyme and reason for going back for more, and it certainly isn’t the bed linens or the pillow talk.
• There is something that is tangibly missing from the equation, making one or both parties opposed to taking the relationship to the next level.

Same City Run-Ins

At a recent social event in my favorite city, I happened to run into a former casual sex partner. Although there was no perceivable awkward tension (we’ve actually run into each other a few times before), I can’t help but wonder what was going through his head when he saw me. My thoughts we’re pretty simple, minus the last one:

Oh there’s XXXX. I would have never guessed that he would be here.

Hmmm, I think he wants to talk to me. I’m not sure what to say, but I’ll just smile and wave.

Maybe we can co-exist in the same room, with common friends, and not have it be uncomfortable.

I wonder if he’s telling that guy he’s chatting with that we’ve had sex. That would be weird.

This is where I need some help. That last thought sent me on a tail spin of what seemed like logical associations that resulted in my final assumption that everyone at the bar knew about my former fling with XXXX. Men, am I crazy to think this? What’s really going through your head when you see a former fling? Are you sharing all the bedroom details with your male or female cohorts? Are you secretly wishing to hook up again? Tell me everything, I promise I won’t judge you. Your help is appreciated!

Let’s take a look at…

50 Things Guys Wish You Knew

Obviously this is copyrighted content, so I can’t recreate or reproduce the text, but here are my top 5 (including the number in the article) and the reasons I think they’re worth paying attention to:

1. Men want to be seduced by their woman (#4). Men love the idea of being an alpha male, but what really gets them hot and bothered in the bedroom is a woman who is really hot for them. It may seem contrary to the sexual roles we’ve come to expect from men and women, but men want to wanted just as much as women do. The really great men know when to take charge, though.
2. Assume that your guy is playing the field until you have the official talk (#9). This isn’t always true, most men I’ve dated are more than happy focusing their attention on one woman almost instantaneously. One caveat is that this one woman must be incredible. You’ll know he thinks you’re amazing, because he won’t let any other man snatch you up. The men that are fickle just aren’t that into you, and speaking from experience, it’s better to walk away early.
3. You can’t always judge a man’s sexual prowess by his dancing abilities (#13). Most women know this, so this one is for the guys. We’re not comparing your dance moves to your bedroom moves, because we’ve learned that coordination isn’t a simple equation. We might be a little turned off, at first, by incredibly bad dance moves though.
4. If you want something in bed, ask for it (#15). Yep. He’ll do it unless it’s crazy.
5. A man wants you more if you make yourself less available to him (#49). It sucks that there is truth to this statement, but if you make yourself too available to your man, there is the potential that he’ll get bored pretty quickly. Just make sure to take your space, because the opposite effect holds true. Guys are inspired and hot for women who have complex and busy lives.

Did you read the article and find more interesting things you’d care to share? Or do you have something to say about my top 5? Do share!

–

I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that I believe in God and Jesus, thus I consider myself a Christian through faith. But as soon as I use the heavy label “Christian,” criticism gravitates my way. Why? Because like many other single women with similar beliefs, I live what most “Christians” consider a wordly lifestyle: I openly engage in sexual relationships without commitment, let alone a ring on my finger.

It seems that even though every one is prone to sinful behavior, society in general believes that it is reprehensible for someone who proclaims to be religious to engage in behaviors that are not condoned by their respective faiths.

My plight began at the young age of 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend and was subsequently introduced to the seductive and sexy mileu of the secular. Previously a naive and sheltered young Christian girl (I say girl because relatively speaking my sagiousity of worldy matters was rather immature and under developed), my eyes were opened very wide and suddenly I was participating in activities that I had formerly considered grossly devious and lascivious. Fast forward seven years to the present and I’m still caught in the never-ending struggle between being a good Christian woman and enjoying the libidinousness of my body’s seemingly natural cravings.

Many may question my beliefs because of my behavior, but without a doubt I can say that I know the grace that comes from the forgiveness of the Lord. I’ve been down the wrong path, almost to the point of utter oblivion and complete despair. I was at my worst and that’s when I really found my faith…for myself…without influence or pressure from others. And even though I have seen the light in much the same way that Saul did, I still lead a life that some deem to be degrading to my faith and my body. It has taken me years to disassociate guilt from sex, and now that I finally have, I refuse to believe that my one weakness (that at least I have the courage to acknowledge) distracts from the beauty that I have within. Those who really know me have never questioned my sustaining love for the Lord and the goodness and love that I tend to give unconditionally.

I think my tattoo (a cross on my back) stands for everything that is me: sexy, sincere, confident, convicted, and never willing to forget that bleak time in my life without the love of the Lord.