I absolutely love Katy Perry’s new song, I Kissed a Girl. The lyrics don’t necessarily speak to me on an intellectual or emotional level, but I enjoy the sound of her voice, the kitchy quality of the song, and the upbeat tempo. What interests me more, however, are the inferences one can draw from the song as related to a shift in social mores. Let’s explore the women kissing women concept a bit more.

Why do we do it?

Maybe I grew up in a time of sexual experimentation, possibly a product of the sexual revolution, but ever since college I’ve been conscious of a growing trendy — women kissing other women. In case you’re wondering, I’ve been an active participant in this fad that doesn’t seem to be losing style points as the years go by. From what I know about women, men, and human nature, I’m fairly certain I can speak to why all of us straight chicas are so willing to liplock with each other.

1. Just for the fun of it. The equation usually consists of a few elements mixing together — alcohol + peer pressure + appearance = impromptu female make-out sessions. It’s really pretty harmless fun. Women are very conscious oh how they’re perceived. If they want to be perceived as sexy, fun, and adventurous they will “flirt” with their girlfriends for social acceptance and appearance.
2. Trying to impress (turn-on) a man. To continue on the first reason, if women are trying to attract male attention in a social setting, or just trying to excite their boyfriend, they will bank on the fact that 99% of straight men are incredibly aroused by the thought of two (or more) women kissing. The difference between a man and a woman, however, is that a man is more sexually motivated to turn the flirtatious kissing into something more tangible. For women it’s a game of how far they can vacillate between the indecipherable boundaries of sexual innuendo and actual sex. For men it’s more like a conquest – Can I get them to kiss? Can I get them to do more than kiss? The fantasy evolves for men.
3. Genuine curiosity. Somewhere between bi-sexual and sexually experimental for appearances sake, there exists a group of women who are intrigued by the female entity. It’s a genuine curiosity that may or may not be explored. I’m pretty sure I fall into this category, so I’ll speak in the first person. Certain women exude a sexuality that is tangible. So while I would never ogle an incredibly attractive women, I can be drawn in by a woman’s aura – the way she carries herself, the way she speaks, they way she touches herself – these can all be very sensual and erotic cues that peak my interest. The difference between me and women who do it just for fun, is that I am skirting the line of bi-sexuality with a genuine (albeit temporal) attraction to women,  even though I know I’m straight.

Of course there are many other factors that contribute to the phenomena, but most straight women can identify with one or more of the reasons I’ve listed.

Is it socially acceptable?

Fact, while women kissing women is becoming more prevalent, it’s only socially acceptable in pockets of society. Part of the appeal is that it is still taboo, and our parents will hate us for doing it. Obviously the most active participants in the trend are the high school and college kids of today. But what happens as the trend ages and adults, like myself, become parents? Will it always be taboo? Once the trend becomes commonplace, will the cool kids find something more rebellious to do? Will songs like I Kissed Girl result in more girls kissing girls? These are all questions that I don’t think can be answered right now. It seems possible that the females doing it just for fun, or to impress a man, may lose interest when the act becomes a good girl norm. I doubt, however, women with a general curiosity will ever change; they might be swayed to act more readily on curiosities during a fad, but those secret thoughts and desires won’t ever dissipate.

What are your thoughts?

I’m absolutely positive that everyone can identify with this trend as either an observer or participant, so what are your thoughts? What’s happening? Why is it happening? Will the trend change over time? What are your own personal experiences?

Here’s a minor revelation – I’ve been secretly sharing a bed with a privileged party for a few weeks now, and I’d rather not say who this person is, but let me just iterate that I hope he’s as disconnected to my world as I think he might be (but you never know with Google these days). Back to me. The whole scenario developed unexpectedly. I’m happily single and very flirty with everyone, so when a particular man started paying extra attention to me, I really gave it zero consideration. In fact, I never even noticed him in *that* way. There’s so much more to the story, but suffice it to say we unexpectedly ended up in bed together. No I’m not proud of it, and it certainly wasn’t a defining moment in my life, but it was good and oddly very comfortable.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, then you probably already know that I’m not the type of girl that has sex just to have sex. I just wasn’t wired that way – the few times I’ve tried to disassociate feelings and do the simply sex thing, the end result was just plain messy. It’s pretty rare these days that I stumble into bed with a relative stranger before setting the sexpectations.

Setting the sexpectations, prior to the act, is the best way for me to let the guy know what he can expect after we start engaging in afternoon delights. I’ll usually lay out the following sexpectations before stripping down:

• Sex with me is complicated.
• I do get emotionally attached.
• I don’t share.
• If you’re going to sleep with someone else, tell me first or stop sleeping with me!
• You can’t be hyper-sensitive to feedback. I communicate what I want and so should you (this includes ways to improve).
• I’ve lived through too many experiences that I’d rather not share, but suffice it to say getting too rough won’t be appreciated.

Okay so now that everyone in the world knows way too much about me, let’s continue…

Here’s the problem. I made the same freakin’ mistake in my personal life that I made in my professional life. I didn’t set the sexpectations prior to the act, and now I’m paying the consequences. Trying to set sexpectations too late is almost as bad as trying to forget the whole thing ever happened.

Example.

The other night I confided in my coital confidant that I’m not interested in being friends who fuck. I was accurately picking up on a vibe that he assumed sex was an added bonus of our friendship (a friendship I’m not even sure really exists yet). Of course I was right. He’s not interested in really getting to know each other, and I was starting to think I could be open to that (but maybe that’s a side effect of good bedding, it makes you want to turn nothing into something to justify your behavior).

There was nothing left to do but to terminate the situation. If life has taught me anything, it has schooled me on the importance of self-preservation. So now I’m out, completely solo once again, and feeling like I violated my own bedroom code-of-conduct. [Said with the inflection of Chandler Bing] Could I be feeling any lower?

I don’t know. What do you guys/gals think? Is there a way to backtrack, after copulation has already occurred, and set sexpectations? Did I back myself into a rookie corner and get what I deserved? Give me some perspective on this.

Men won’t turn down a sure thing. If a guy thinks he can bed you, he’s going to try. He’s not going to think about the consequences, or worry about how you feel, he’s simply going to sucker you into bed with the promise of a nice long massage and nothing else. Everything else is intended.

Men want to feel sexy. They almost need this. I’ve blogged about it before, but men do need the reassurance that they’re attractive, well-endowed, or good in bed. If you don’t pander to their ego, they’ll reaffirm these ideas verbally whether you agree or not, or they’ll find someone else who actually does make them feel sexy. Hopefully you won’t have to do the ego-pander dance.

Men will flirt with a skirt. It really doesn’t matter if the man is married, engaged, dating, or single. Nor does it matter if the women is overly attractive. Men enjoy flirting with women, and they’re going to do it repeatedly, especially if said woman is in the service business (waitress, bartender, maid (that’s more of a fantasy thing)). It definitely goes back to the ever powerful male ego.

Men acclimate to the vibe set by their male peers, and the dominant male rules the roost. A group of men in the same place always has a leader, whether the group is aware of it or not. The leader is the man they all secretly strive to be (or the one they think gets laid the most, if it’s a fraternity group), and they’ll subconsciously emulate this man’s behavior. Ever wonder why guys get so rowdy (or retarded) when they’re together? They’re feeding off the vibe and energy that is created by the dominate male.

UPDATE

Here’s an obvious one I’m not sure why I forgot:

Men crave the challenge and the chase. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to capture a man’s attention by making myself appear to be completely uninterested or unavailable. Offer a man a carrot and he’ll decline, but tell him he can’t have that same carrot, and all of sudden he can’t get vegetables off his mind.

The walk of shame promises public scrutiny, because despite all best efforts, it’s almost impossible not to stand out when you combine messy hair, heels, and dressy attire in the morning — especially on the weekend. Of course I do everything in my power to avoid the ensuing post-coital awkwardness including hosting male guests at my pad (men probably find comfort in the walk of shame), leaving before light casts its rays of judgment, or bringing an overnight bag with a change of clothes, a brush, and flats. Regardless of the options, the inevitableness of the walk of shame becomes entirely unavoidable when you start to find yourself sharing a bed with someone you like on a regular basis. The only possible real solution to the problem is mentioned above — bring an overnight bag — but there’s also some weighty consequences to consider. Every woman risks immediate rejection if she tries to introduce the overnight bag too early in a relationship. There are three types of men in this world in regards to the overnight bag, and their reactions to the introduction of this foreign product will be either:

1. Adamantly and vehemently opposed. Think Carrie’s Mr. Big. This closed-off man is very protective of his space. He’ll assume that you’re being presumptuous and thinking that the relationship is headed in a serious direction. He’ll make his distaste for said bag extremely obvious by either asking you to leave before dawn or finding a way to make you uncomfortable for assuming that you could plan ahead.
2. Ambivalent over time. Some guys just need a little time to get acclimated to having you invade their space. They won’t be put off by the overnight bag, but they might get a little scared off if the bag makes its appearance after the second date.
3. Completely unfazed. These are the guys who understand the humiliating nature of the walk of shame and would much rather have you stay over for wild and crazy sex than worry about the implications of the overnight bag.

The question then becomes, how does a girl know what type of man she’s bedding? I’ve got a few ideas on how to tell, but I’ve also been wrong before. Any and all insight is appreciated. What’s a girl to do?

This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, but I think you’ve done more justice to the subject matter than I could ever have. What you’re blessed with is an outsider perspective, and what I’m cursed with is knowing that every single word you right is true. I am very much a part of the conference circuit, and men love the attention of a pretty girl. Exhibitors result to getting “booth” babes to attract attention…wtf? When did a conference become the type of venue where Hooters wasn’t the after hours event but the in-conference feature?

To the question of marriage, I too have lost all faith in the idea of monogamy. My parents, who are monogamous, represent an ideal that seems pretty much unattainable. Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s commitment to the church, to his willingness to accept his flaws and not give in to his lust, or maybe it’s because my parents are simple folks and the glitz and glamor of the spotlight has never burned in their loins.

I’ve reread this comment several times, and having just been to Hooters (I do kind of like the place), and a number of conferences, I have found that exhibition halls tend to purposely mashup business material with in-your-face sexual assaults. Combine this with the social nature of events and the expectation of free drinks, and you end up with a breeding ground for infidelity. It’s almost like one big Frat party where the costs are always expensed to someone else.

Think about this. When you go to Hooters what are your expectations? You expect to see gratuitous amounts of cleavage and an abundance of butt checks. Given that the setting was purposely created to provide you with sexual stimuli, you are essentially encouraged to stare, drool, and act like a brutish and neolithic man. You’re expected to consume the T&A. It’s just the nature of the business.

Now think about conferences for a moment. What are your expectations? You expect to network, you expect to learn, and more and more you’re expected to party. Social mixers are now very much integrated with the actual event, but to make matters even more sexually stimulating, you’re also expected to check out the exhibition hall, where savvy exhibitors use pay-per-hour females to dress scantily clad (much like Hooters a girl) and lure you over to their booth.

My point is that Hooters and conferences have become socially acceptable places to stare, gawk, and flirt with disaster. The more socially acceptable sexual flaunting becomes, the more difficult it will be to avoid temptation. Does monogamy have a fighting chance against our evolving sexual interests?

You’re getting frisky with your man, clothes are coming off, body parts are getting warm, the mood is just right, and then for some reason or another your man’s “enthusiasm” for sexual intercourse starts to wane; he goes soft.

How do you react?

As a woman, I know that it’s difficult not to take these moments of deflated sexual tension personally. It’s easy for us to equate the level of erectness to the guy’s level of interest. We assume that maybe we don’t look good naked, we’re probably doing something wrong, or (worst case scenario) you have erectile dysfunction (can you blame us? The Viagra/Levitra commercials are everywhere).

As a guy’s gal, however, I’m constantly having conversations with men about their sex lives and relationships. Surprisingly, most men have been on the flip side of this unflattering situation. I’ve heard men get candid about this very subject, and the overwhelming trend I’m starting to recognize is that there are a myriad of variables that contribute to or detract from a hard penis. Time of day, energy level, stress level, body-image, pressure, and perception of the situation are just a few of the contributing factors, none of which have anything to do with how you look naked. Of course, these same guys admit that the occasional softy is not big a deal, but they also note that there probably is a problem if the man is frequently having these issues.

The worst thing you can do is…

…make it about you or the penis.

It’s really not about you, but when you make it about you then the whole situation becomes strained. Hurt feelings could equate to tears, which could lead to a man questioning his manhood, and might cause future challenges in the bedroom. It’s a very circular problem. If you take it personally, he’ll take it personally, and the opportunity to conclude with great sex is mutually exclusive and utterly impossible.

The reality

Guys I know have given me two pieces of advice. As a woman you could just back off from the overt sexuality of the situation and cuddle or talk (naked of course). Usually a few minutes of no pressure conversation is all a man needs to get his drive back. The other option is to keep on keeping on. Men have told me that our association between erectness and interest is not quite accurate; they still want to have sex and they still very much could cum. With either approach the key is to remove the immediate pressure of getting hard. Even a supermodel is going to have a difficult time getting a man hard once he’s entered the zone of sexual self-consciousness.

So what do you think about all this? Have you been in this situation? What are your thoughts? Got any advice to share?

Let’s take a look at…

50 Things Guys Wish You Knew

Obviously this is copyrighted content, so I can’t recreate or reproduce the text, but here are my top 5 (including the number in the article) and the reasons I think they’re worth paying attention to:

1. Men want to be seduced by their woman (#4). Men love the idea of being an alpha male, but what really gets them hot and bothered in the bedroom is a woman who is really hot for them. It may seem contrary to the sexual roles we’ve come to expect from men and women, but men want to wanted just as much as women do. The really great men know when to take charge, though.
2. Assume that your guy is playing the field until you have the official talk (#9). This isn’t always true, most men I’ve dated are more than happy focusing their attention on one woman almost instantaneously. One caveat is that this one woman must be incredible. You’ll know he thinks you’re amazing, because he won’t let any other man snatch you up. The men that are fickle just aren’t that into you, and speaking from experience, it’s better to walk away early.
3. You can’t always judge a man’s sexual prowess by his dancing abilities (#13). Most women know this, so this one is for the guys. We’re not comparing your dance moves to your bedroom moves, because we’ve learned that coordination isn’t a simple equation. We might be a little turned off, at first, by incredibly bad dance moves though.
4. If you want something in bed, ask for it (#15). Yep. He’ll do it unless it’s crazy.
5. A man wants you more if you make yourself less available to him (#49). It sucks that there is truth to this statement, but if you make yourself too available to your man, there is the potential that he’ll get bored pretty quickly. Just make sure to take your space, because the opposite effect holds true. Guys are inspired and hot for women who have complex and busy lives.

Did you read the article and find more interesting things you’d care to share? Or do you have something to say about my top 5? Do share!

–

I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that I believe in God and Jesus, thus I consider myself a Christian through faith. But as soon as I use the heavy label “Christian,” criticism gravitates my way. Why? Because like many other single women with similar beliefs, I live what most “Christians” consider a wordly lifestyle: I openly engage in sexual relationships without commitment, let alone a ring on my finger.

It seems that even though every one is prone to sinful behavior, society in general believes that it is reprehensible for someone who proclaims to be religious to engage in behaviors that are not condoned by their respective faiths.

My plight began at the young age of 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend and was subsequently introduced to the seductive and sexy mileu of the secular. Previously a naive and sheltered young Christian girl (I say girl because relatively speaking my sagiousity of worldy matters was rather immature and under developed), my eyes were opened very wide and suddenly I was participating in activities that I had formerly considered grossly devious and lascivious. Fast forward seven years to the present and I’m still caught in the never-ending struggle between being a good Christian woman and enjoying the libidinousness of my body’s seemingly natural cravings.

Many may question my beliefs because of my behavior, but without a doubt I can say that I know the grace that comes from the forgiveness of the Lord. I’ve been down the wrong path, almost to the point of utter oblivion and complete despair. I was at my worst and that’s when I really found my faith…for myself…without influence or pressure from others. And even though I have seen the light in much the same way that Saul did, I still lead a life that some deem to be degrading to my faith and my body. It has taken me years to disassociate guilt from sex, and now that I finally have, I refuse to believe that my one weakness (that at least I have the courage to acknowledge) distracts from the beauty that I have within. Those who really know me have never questioned my sustaining love for the Lord and the goodness and love that I tend to give unconditionally.

I think my tattoo (a cross on my back) stands for everything that is me: sexy, sincere, confident, convicted, and never willing to forget that bleak time in my life without the love of the Lord.

The Rules Have Changed

Back in the day before everyone had cell phones, and men were less savvy to the fake number game (which really wasn’t that long ago), a gal used to be able to assert her interest in a guy by giving him her real number. If she didn’t like the guy she could give a fake and move on. If he (the guy with the real number) called in two to three days he would be eligible for a first date, but if he waited too long she would assume he wasn’t that interested. How simple and easy.

Today the rules have changed in more than a few ways.

Fake numbers aren’t an option. Guys have become savvy to this ploy, so they usually whip out their cell and ask you to input your name and number (which is now their way of getting digits without remembering your name). The new trend seems to be that once the digits are stored, the guy will call the number to confirm that it truly is yours. Two new problems arise.

Problem # 1 – You now have the guy’s number in your cell (good for screening purposes), but in this day and age guys don’t feel like they always have to be the pursuer and occasionally expect this exchange of numbers to result in the girl calling them, possibly creating a no call scenario.

Problem #2 – You’ve given your number to guy you don’t care to see again, simply because you were backed into a corner. He calls. You screen. If you don’t return his call and he’s especially interested, he’ll call again. You screen again. Awkward. Your intention wasn’t to be a bitch, but now you’ve ignored his call twice and that’s exactly what he thinks of you. Any future run-ins will not end well because his ego is bruised (especially if his bros were in tow when he first met you).

I have lots of experience with both problems. Problem #1 because I actually wanted a guy to call, who was expecting me to call him. Problem #2 because I used to frequent the same karaoke and dive bars weekly, making me available to the men that I had unintentionally scorned. Of course #2 can be solved by being honest with the guy, but be careful with that approach too. Some guys can’t take no for an answer.

Tips to Try…

If You Like the Guy

1. Confirm his interest and intentions before you leave. Either mention that you’ll be expecting his call (be flirty and playful, not desperate) so that he knows he is next to act, or feel him out to see if you can get an idea of when he plans to call. You’ll know he’s interested if he’s quick to affirm his intentions, but not so interested if he vaguely gives you some non-committal response like, “I’m really busy this week, but I’ll be in touch.”
2. You like him but you want control of the situation. Don’t give out your number, but take his instead. Tread lightly because this is slightly emasculating and may be a turn off for some guys.
3. This is obvious, but don’t sleep with him. Times have changed, but the same rules still apply when it comes to sex. 95% of guys will lose interest immediately. Strong/intense chemistry (more than just sexual) can sometimes make the rules inapplicable, but don’t count on it.

And If You Don’t

There are respectful ways of declining a man’s advances (make sure not to give out your number), which include…

1. If you’re with a group of girls say, “we’re just having a girls night” and stay firm if he tries to poke away at your excuse.
2. If you’re solo and not worried about his perception of you say, “I’ve recently been through a rough break up, and I’m just not in a good place right now.”
3. If you’re not afraid to offend the guy or bruise his ego you could say, “that’s probably a bad idea, I just don’t think we click,” or, “I was hoping you could introduce me to your friend,” or, “I have my eyes on someone else right now.”

Of course rejection is tough. I’ve been rejected a number of times and I’ve learned not to take it personally, but for some reason I still hate to be the one doing the rejecting. I feel like a bad person, but reality is that if I give out my number I’m leading the guy on and that is much worse (in my opinion).

Got some in-the-field experiences to share? Men, what are your acceptance or rejection techniques? Do share.

While dancing up a storm, Angie and I were approached by two different types of guys:

Mr. Confident

An attractively confident man made no qualms about trying to talk to Angie. She happens to be taken, and we happened to be having a girls night, so she politely let him know that his dancing advances weren’t going to work. He wasn’t offended; he didn’t spew insults as he sulked away; he took it like a man and let us be. If anyone stood a chance of getting to dance with us it was this guy.

The Wing Man

A little later in the evening, a guy three sheets to the wind, with whiskey breath, stumbled up to me on the dance floor, and the conversation went as follows:

Wing Man: My friend thinks you’re cute and wants to dance with you.

Me: Who?

Wing Man: Pointing in a very unspecific direction. Him.

Me: We’re (referring to Angie and I) just having a good time tonight. I think you guys should do the same.

So why did I blow off the Wing Man and the potential suitor? It wasn’t about looks, in fact I didn’t even get a good luck at the guy who wanted to dance with me. It certainly wasn’t about the drunk man stammering in front of me. Wait. Actually, in truth, my rejection had 100% to do with the Wing Man factor.

How Not to Employ the Wing Man

I understand the Wing Man concept; it makes sense to me, and I’ve seen it work in the field. In the right setting, a Wing Man can make all the difference.

Facts to remember in the field:

1. Women aren’t attracted to cowards.
2. Women aren’t intrigued by men who are afraid of a challenge.

Simple truth: Don’t send your Wing Man in solo to do your dirty work in any scenario that could make you seem like less of a man.