Walk of Shame Boulevard
Sooner or later a single gal who enjoys sex will find herself in a situation where it’s suddenly 7am in the morning and she’s waking up to the notion that not only did she do the deed last night, but she now has to scrape her party dress and panties off the floor, scour the room for her stiletto heels, and head to the bathroom to make the “I just had sex” look disappear before exiting the premises and venturing out on Walk of Shame Boulevard.
The walk of shame promises public scrutiny, because despite all best efforts, it’s almost impossible not to stand out when you combine messy hair, heels, and dressy attire in the morning — especially on the weekend. Of course I do everything in my power to avoid the ensuing post-coital awkwardness including hosting male guests at my pad (men probably find comfort in the walk of shame), leaving before light casts its rays of judgment, or bringing an overnight bag with a change of clothes, a brush, and flats. Regardless of the options, the inevitableness of the walk of shame becomes entirely unavoidable when you start to find yourself sharing a bed with someone you like on a regular basis. The only possible real solution to the problem is mentioned above — bring an overnight bag — but there’s also some weighty consequences to consider. Every woman risks immediate rejection if she tries to introduce the overnight bag too early in a relationship. There are three types of men in this world in regards to the overnight bag, and their reactions to the introduction of this foreign product will be either:
- Adamantly and vehemently opposed. Think Carrie’s Mr. Big. This closed-off man is very protective of his space. He’ll assume that you’re being presumptuous and thinking that the relationship is headed in a serious direction. He’ll make his distaste for said bag extremely obvious by either asking you to leave before dawn or finding a way to make you uncomfortable for assuming that you could plan ahead.
- Ambivalent over time. Some guys just need a little time to get acclimated to having you invade their space. They won’t be put off by the overnight bag, but they might get a little scared off if the bag makes its appearance after the second date.
- Completely unfazed. These are the guys who understand the humiliating nature of the walk of shame and would much rather have you stay over for wild and crazy sex than worry about the implications of the overnight bag.
The question then becomes, how does a girl know what type of man she’s bedding? I’ve got a few ideas on how to tell, but I’ve also been wrong before. Any and all insight is appreciated. What’s a girl to do?
Gratuitous Sexuality and Infidelity
My best friend and female soul mate, Angie, recently wrote a post about men who cheat on their wives and the commonalities between them that she’s picked up on. You should read the post and comment if you haven’t, but the common trends identified for married men that stray include young power, self-made man status, and conference types. My comment on her post was the following:
This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for awhile, but I think you’ve done more justice to the subject matter than I could ever have. What you’re blessed with is an outsider perspective, and what I’m cursed with is knowing that every single word you right is true. I am very much a part of the conference circuit, and men love the attention of a pretty girl. Exhibitors result to getting “booth” babes to attract attention…wtf? When did a conference become the type of venue where Hooters wasn’t the after hours event but the in-conference feature?
To the question of marriage, I too have lost all faith in the idea of monogamy. My parents, who are monogamous, represent an ideal that seems pretty much unattainable. Maybe it has something to do with my dad’s commitment to the church, to his willingness to accept his flaws and not give in to his lust, or maybe it’s because my parents are simple folks and the glitz and glamor of the spotlight has never burned in their loins.
I’ve reread this comment several times, and having just been to Hooters (I do kind of like the place), and a number of conferences, I have found that exhibition halls tend to purposely mashup business material with in-your-face sexual assaults. Combine this with the social nature of events and the expectation of free drinks, and you end up with a breeding ground for infidelity. It’s almost like one big Frat party where the costs are always expensed to someone else.
Think about this. When you go to Hooters what are your expectations? You expect to see gratuitous amounts of cleavage and an abundance of butt checks. Given that the setting was purposely created to provide you with sexual stimuli, you are essentially encouraged to stare, drool, and act like a brutish and neolithic man. You’re expected to consume the T&A. It’s just the nature of the business.
Now think about conferences for a moment. What are your expectations? You expect to network, you expect to learn, and more and more you’re expected to party. Social mixers are now very much integrated with the actual event, but to make matters even more sexually stimulating, you’re also expected to check out the exhibition hall, where savvy exhibitors use pay-per-hour females to dress scantily clad (much like Hooters a girl) and lure you over to their booth.
My point is that Hooters and conferences have become socially acceptable places to stare, gawk, and flirt with disaster. The more socially acceptable sexual flaunting becomes, the more difficult it will be to avoid temptation. Does monogamy have a fighting chance against our evolving sexual interests?
Bedroom Diatribes Don’t Do Dick
Does this situation sound familiar?
You’re getting frisky with your man, clothes are coming off, body parts are getting warm, the mood is just right, and then for some reason or another your man’s “enthusiasm” for sexual intercourse starts to wane; he goes soft.
How do you react?
As a woman, I know that it’s difficult not to take these moments of deflated sexual tension personally. It’s easy for us to equate the level of erectness to the guy’s level of interest. We assume that maybe we don’t look good naked, we’re probably doing something wrong, or (worst case scenario) you have erectile dysfunction (can you blame us? The Viagra/Levitra commercials are everywhere).
As a guy’s gal, however, I’m constantly having conversations with men about their sex lives and relationships. Surprisingly, most men have been on the flip side of this unflattering situation. I’ve heard men get candid about this very subject, and the overwhelming trend I’m starting to recognize is that there are a myriad of variables that contribute to or detract from a hard penis. Time of day, energy level, stress level, body-image, pressure, and perception of the situation are just a few of the contributing factors, none of which have anything to do with how you look naked. Of course, these same guys admit that the occasional softy is not big a deal, but they also note that there probably is a problem if the man is frequently having these issues.
The worst thing you can do is…
…make it about you or the penis.
It’s really not about you, but when you make it about you then the whole situation becomes strained. Hurt feelings could equate to tears, which could lead to a man questioning his manhood, and might cause future challenges in the bedroom. It’s a very circular problem. If you take it personally, he’ll take it personally, and the opportunity to conclude with great sex is mutually exclusive and utterly impossible.
The reality
Guys I know have given me two pieces of advice. As a woman you could just back off from the overt sexuality of the situation and cuddle or talk (naked of course). Usually a few minutes of no pressure conversation is all a man needs to get his drive back. The other option is to keep on keeping on. Men have told me that our association between erectness and interest is not quite accurate; they still want to have sex and they still very much could cum. With either approach the key is to remove the immediate pressure of getting hard. Even a supermodel is going to have a difficult time getting a man hard once he’s entered the zone of sexual self-consciousness.
So what do you think about all this? Have you been in this situation? What are your thoughts? Got any advice to share?
Casual Sex and Inevitable Run-Ins
I’m the type of gal that prefers not to have casual sex; I like frequently great sex with one man in a committed relationship. There have been times in my life, however, when I’m more open to something with less strings attached, hence the subject matter of this post.
What I Mean By Casual Sex
Let me make a quick distinction. Casual sex and one night stands are two entirely different concepts. One night stands are self-explanatory, but I understand casual sex to be something a little less wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. In my experiences, casual sex is a state that exists somewhere between a one nighter and the concrete confines of a committed relationship.
Tenets of Casual Sex
- The endings are usually much more humane than real break-ups. Since things were never really that serious to begin with, endings to casual sex situations can be mutually beneficial and even compassionate. Exceptions to this tenet occur when one party wants to make the casual thing a serious thing, and the other party is completely ambivalent.
- The sex is usually pretty darn good. There’s a rhyme and reason for going back for more, and it certainly isn’t the bed linens or the pillow talk.
- There is something that is tangibly missing from the equation, making one or both parties opposed to taking the relationship to the next level.
Same City Run-Ins
At a recent social event in my favorite city, I happened to run into a former casual sex partner. Although there was no perceivable awkward tension (we’ve actually run into each other a few times before), I can’t help but wonder what was going through his head when he saw me. My thoughts we’re pretty simple, minus the last one:
Oh there’s XXXX. I would have never guessed that he would be here.
Hmmm, I think he wants to talk to me. I’m not sure what to say, but I’ll just smile and wave.
Maybe we can co-exist in the same room, with common friends, and not have it be uncomfortable.
I wonder if he’s telling that guy he’s chatting with that we’ve had sex. That would be weird.
This is where I need some help. That last thought sent me on a tail spin of what seemed like logical associations that resulted in my final assumption that everyone at the bar knew about my former fling with XXXX. Men, am I crazy to think this? What’s really going through your head when you see a former fling? Are you sharing all the bedroom details with your male or female cohorts? Are you secretly wishing to hook up again? Tell me everything, I promise I won’t judge you. Your help is appreciated!
Conversations with a Cosmo Girl
As a former subscriber to Cosmopolitan, I’ve read many an article about sex, dating, relationships, love, men, etc. I’ve decided to pick up the periodical once again in the hopes for blogging inspiration. I hope to turn this into an ongoing series where I dissect different articles, controversial or not, and delve a little bit deeper. We all know, guys and gals alike, those 101 greatest sex secrets really consist of 4 or 5 good tips and 96 fluff tips we learned in high school.
Let’s take a look at…
50 Things Guys Wish You Knew
Obviously this is copyrighted content, so I can’t recreate or reproduce the text, but here are my top 5 (including the number in the article) and the reasons I think they’re worth paying attention to:
- Men want to be seduced by their woman (#4). Men love the idea of being an alpha male, but what really gets them hot and bothered in the bedroom is a woman who is really hot for them. It may seem contrary to the sexual roles we’ve come to expect from men and women, but men want to wanted just as much as women do. The really great men know when to take charge, though.
- Assume that your guy is playing the field until you have the official talk (#9). This isn’t always true, most men I’ve dated are more than happy focusing their attention on one woman almost instantaneously. One caveat is that this one woman must be incredible. You’ll know he thinks you’re amazing, because he won’t let any other man snatch you up. The men that are fickle just aren’t that into you, and speaking from experience, it’s better to walk away early.
- You can’t always judge a man’s sexual prowess by his dancing abilities (#13). Most women know this, so this one is for the guys. We’re not comparing your dance moves to your bedroom moves, because we’ve learned that coordination isn’t a simple equation. We might be a little turned off, at first, by incredibly bad dance moves though.
- If you want something in bed, ask for it (#15). Yep. He’ll do it unless it’s crazy.
- A man wants you more if you make yourself less available to him (#49). It sucks that there is truth to this statement, but if you make yourself too available to your man, there is the potential that he’ll get bored pretty quickly. Just make sure to take your space, because the opposite effect holds true. Guys are inspired and hot for women who have complex and busy lives.
Did you read the article and find more interesting things you’d care to share? Or do you have something to say about my top 5? Do share!
Sex and the Single Christian Woman
I originally wrote this post on 05/14/06 when I was actively blogging inside of Myspace. I think the post really speaks to the struggles I face on a daily basis, and the constant challenge I have finding a balance between good and evil.
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I firmly assert, without fear of ridicule, that I believe in God and Jesus, thus I consider myself a Christian through faith. But as soon as I use the heavy label “Christian,” criticism gravitates my way. Why? Because like many other single women with similar beliefs, I live what most “Christians” consider a wordly lifestyle: I openly engage in sexual relationships without commitment, let alone a ring on my finger.
It seems that even though every one is prone to sinful behavior, society in general believes that it is reprehensible for someone who proclaims to be religious to engage in behaviors that are not condoned by their respective faiths.
My plight began at the young age of 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend and was subsequently introduced to the seductive and sexy mileu of the secular. Previously a naive and sheltered young Christian girl (I say girl because relatively speaking my sagiousity of worldy matters was rather immature and under developed), my eyes were opened very wide and suddenly I was participating in activities that I had formerly considered grossly devious and lascivious. Fast forward seven years to the present and I’m still caught in the never-ending struggle between being a good Christian woman and enjoying the libidinousness of my body’s seemingly natural cravings.
Many may question my beliefs because of my behavior, but without a doubt I can say that I know the grace that comes from the forgiveness of the Lord. I’ve been down the wrong path, almost to the point of utter oblivion and complete despair. I was at my worst and that’s when I really found my faith…for myself…without influence or pressure from others. And even though I have seen the light in much the same way that Saul did, I still lead a life that some deem to be degrading to my faith and my body. It has taken me years to disassociate guilt from sex, and now that I finally have, I refuse to believe that my one weakness (that at least I have the courage to acknowledge) distracts from the beauty that I have within. Those who really know me have never questioned my sustaining love for the Lord and the goodness and love that I tend to give unconditionally.
I think my tattoo (a cross on my back) stands for everything that is me: sexy, sincere, confident, convicted, and never willing to forget that bleak time in my life without the love of the Lord.
Sex Dos and Don’ts
I’ve been avoiding posting too much content related to sex, which is why there is almost always a hint of sexuality in my posts and nothing more, but I’ve decided to write more about what I know best. So here goes nothing. Feel free to add some dos and don’ts to the list.
Sex Dos and Don’ts by Topic
Dirty Talk
Do – verbalize how certain types of touches make you feel. Slowly describe each sensation with words that are descriptive and vivid.
Don’t – take dirty talk to taboo areas unless you’ve already tested those waters. It’s a huge turn off to find out that a guy wants me to do something I’m incredibly uncomfortable with. It could even be a deal breaker.
Do – describe the parts of your partner’s body that drive you wild.
Don’t – ever mention anything unflattering about your partner, even if the intention is good.
Oral
Do – reciprocate. One-sided oral encounters feel unbalanced and you come across greedy.
Don’t – expect oral or try to force it. If he/she isn’t willing just drop the subject all together.
Do – pay attention to your partners body movements and noises. Men, you’re doing a good job if her legs start shaking, she grips the things around her with force, her moans increase in volume, or her pelvis moves with your motions, etc. You could use some more direction if she moves around or fidgets, she is relatively quiet, or she keeps interrupting you.
Don’t – get disappointed or discouraged if your efforts don’t result in an orgasm. Most people want to cum and are more than happy to provide tips to help them get there.
Do (men to women) – use a combination of tongue and fingers simultaneously. This technique works wonders.
Don’t – use too much force. It can get painful.
Foreplay
Do – it. Don’t skip foreplay; women need it.
Don’t – forget that foreplay should be reciprocal. It’s not about you, it’s about the experience you both have.
Do – kiss, makeout, touch, and explore each other’s bodies.
Don’t – worry about common mishaps like the inability to remove a bra, or your pants taking too long to take off. These things are normal.
Do – take special care to find out which spots are more sensitive than others. For example, the back of my neck is extremely sensitive, and guys that pay attention to this area get major bonus points.
Don’t – hesitate to communicate what really turns you on (see dirty talk).
Positions
Do – try more than one position (but don’t get too carried away).
Don’t – get in too much of a position routine. Know what positions work best to achieve climax, but experiment with your approach to get there.
Do – mix up your speeds. Experiment with different paces and watch your partner’s physical responses to determine what they like best. Just remember that fast doesn’t equal better.
Don’t – assume that changing positions every 10 seconds makes you a good lover. You may know the kama sutra inside and out, but changing positions constantly can ruin a good flow. A good rule of thumb is to stick with three positions per session.
Post-Coital
Do – clean up whatever mess was made, but…
Don’t – run away too fast. Bonding after sex is key to developing intimacy.
Do – take a shower together.
Do – cuddle.
Don’t – roll over and take a nap immediately.
Don’t – get carried away with emotional/mushy talk. You just connected on a sexual level, and connecting on an emotional level is great, but don’t go overboard (if you’re a chic) because guys usually can’t process that much right after they cum.
More to Come
Ha that’s a double entendre! I look forward to your comments on some sex dos and don’ts that you’ve experienced first hand. Feel free to stay anonymous if you’d like.
Signs She’s Cheating
Let’s just say that I’ve been in long term relationships that eventually run out of gas and for one reason or another, I’ve found fuel from other people. Of course I think cheating is wrong, but I know from experience that cheaters aren’t always bad people. This post combines 10 years of behavioral analysis in the cheating situation. Hopefully none of you find yourself in this situation, but if you’ve been there feel free to add to the discussion in the comments.
Women cheat because one or more of their needs are not being met. Those needs can be physical, emotional, or sexual, but because women tend to cheat differently than men, the signs are pretty obvious if you’re paying attention.
Signs She’s Cheating
- Her attitude about sex has changed. Anytime there is a measurable change in the amount of sex your having in your relationship, you can be sure that there is a reason. Women feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when they cheat and this usually translates to a difference in behavior when it comes to sex with their significant other. In my experiences, the guilt is so overwhelming that I try to further distance myself from my partner, and that can be accomplished by eliminating sex. Plus, I’ve always been very monogamous so having sex with two people in a short period of time feels worse than having sex with just the man I’ve cheated with. Some women, however, respond by being overly enthusiastic about sex because they’re hoping that their man won’t notice a change in behavior or be suspicious of the affair. If either scenario sounds familiar, you might want to consider the possibility that something could be very wrong in your relationship.
- She’s suddenly more comfortable spending less time with you. Guys tend to be the less clingy of the sexes (although I’ve had a few boyfriends who proved the opposite can be true too), so if your woman stops demanding more of your time, it’s time to think about the reasons why. As mentioned above, cheating is a heavy and weighty thing that remains on the woman’s mind long after the affair. It’s pretty typical for a woman to start wanting more space so that she can avoid having to lie to her man or feel guilty all the time. Cheating can make a woman more closed off and desirous of spending less time with the significant other she knows she’s doing wrong by.
- She thinks your cheating. This may seem ironic or inappropriate, but a woman who’s cheating will usually become more suspicious of her man. Given her feelings for her man (especially if she loves her man), it’s easy for a woman to let her infidelity cast doubts on the fidelity of her man. The logic is that, “if I’m cheating, then he’s probably capable of doing it too.” Of course cheating rocks the foundation of any relationship, so when that foundation is shaky things that you’ve accepted to be true (ie he is faithful) come into question. The difference between a jealous woman and a jealous woman who is cheating, is that the one who is cheating won’t check your phone as readily as the former. The cheating woman is too afraid that you’ll check her phone.
- She leaves the room when she gets a phone call. A woman who cheats needs to talk about the situation with her friends. The guilt is overwhelming and the confusion can be too much to handle. A woman needs her best friend to tell her she’s not a bad person, or to give her valuable insight. Instead of taking these calls in your presence, she’ll find a way, or an excuse, to get a comfortable distance from you. If your gal suddenly stops answering the phone when you’re around or moves to another room, make sure you find out why.
- She’s sweeter than normal or more understanding of previous behaviors she used to despise. A woman doesn’t want you to know something is wrong or awry with the relationship until she’s decided how to process the affair. To keep you from finding her out, she’ll be as agreeable as possible, even it means letting you stay out all night with the boys.
Let me reiterate that cheating is wrong. I seriously hope to find a relationship, and eventually a marriage, where both parties are faithful, and I’ve made a conscious decision since my last relationship to never settle for anything less than a relationship that can truly satisfy all of my needs. Cheating, for men and women alike, usually happens when we settle down with people we like (maybe love) before we realize that we can’t get everything we need to stay faithful. If you’re cheating, it’s time for you to move on or fess up. If you’re afraid of coming clean because you don’t want to lose your significant other, I suggest taking some time to reflect internally. If you can’t honestly commit yourself to staying faithful and not straying again, it’s time to make some major changes.
Flying first class on US Airways
Chillin in first class awaiting my vodka soda and using the blanket to
protect me against the chilly AC. I could really get used to the
leather seats, space, and professional company.
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Sporting 2 Utterz Arm Bands
@leorazellman thx for the arm band, people think I’m a little crazy
but its kinda cool. If you want one, find Leora @ SXSW tonight. She
was rockin’ a dozen of them earlier.
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